Larely, CA – As an institution perpetually at the forefront of healthcare technology, UC-Larely put even more distance between themselves and their competitors today when they announced that they would be opening a rehabilitation center to treat individuals who are struggling with an addiction to fame.
Larely, CA – Larely mayor Vern Bixler delighted environmentalists across the city today when he announced that every industrial smoke stack in the city would be dyeing their emissions green to commemorate Earth Day.
Larely, California – A writers’ strike lasting six long months ended today after an agreement was reached between “Larely Beagle” writers and its Board of Directors.
Larely, CA – A study completed by UC Larely’s Chemistry Department yielded alarming results when it was discovered that drinking water all over America is being contaminated by the unused free trial hours from AOL discs.
San Francisco, CA – Less than a week after purging a large number of spam accounts, Twitter has now set its sights on the English language, as they announced that effective next week, they will begin deactivating accounts that use poor grammar.
Larely, CA – Health insurance giant Aetna made big news in Larely today when they announced sweeping changes to their Larely HMO network. In a letter sent to all local members, Aetna Chairman and CEO Ronald Williams wrote that “Effective immediately, our HMO’s will only cover Dr. McGillicuddy.”
Larely, CA – The world of rock and roll collided with the city of Larely today when rock icon Jon Bon Jovi received a citation from the Larely Police Department for carrying a loaded six string, which was turned up following a search off his tour bus.
Larely, CA – Faced with the prospect of losing federal highway funds, the city of Larely reluctantly agreed today to lower its legal BAC limit to .25%.
Larely, CA – For the third time in the last five years, the word “C-A-T” proved good enough to bring home the Larely Spelling Bee title. After nearly five hours of competition, this year’s winner, Jacob Kenny was able to correctly spell the word and bring the title back to Erik Estrada Elementary, one of [...]
Larely, CA – In a move that is slated to save the city of Larely up to $5 million a year, Mayor Vern Bixler announced today that Larely’s 911 call center has been outsourced to Calcutta, India.
Eden Prairie, MN – Several patrons at a Target pharmacy in suburban Minneapolis silently came to the same conclusion today when they assumed that a slutty looking customer waiting in line at the pharmacy was there to refill her prescription for Valtrex, a drug used in the management of genital herpes.
Larely, CA – Larely residents who packed the atrium of Triplet Pines Mall today for mayor Bixler’s announcement of Larely’s new official city bird were treated to a pleasant surprise today when it was revealed that the spread eagle had won the contest.
Larely, CA – The city of Larely took a big step toward improving its school system today when it was announced that beginning next year, all public schools will need to act in accordance with the “No Child Out in Front Act”.
Larely, CA – Carrying everything from severed heads and limbs to mattresses with the tags removed, citizens of Larely turned out in overwhelming numbers to participate in Larely’s first Annual “Self Storage Amnesty Day” this past Wednesday.
Larely, CA – Local adult film star Tate Browncock was the focus of attention in the adult film world today when he announced that he would be giving up anal sex for lent this year.
Larely, CA – In a new example of just how aggressive airline surcharges can be, Larely Airlines announced today that beginning March 1, 2009, they will begin charging a $15 surcharge for well-endowed male passengers.
Larely, CA – The Select Comfort mattress company announced today that they will soon begin selling their widely successful Sleep Number beds in a racecar model.
Larely, CA – The Biology Department of UC-Larely made headlines today when Professor Mary Sontenberg released her study that found, without a shred of doubt, that Pontiac Fieros have the ability to totally make chicks wet.
Larely, CA – Tyler Folwell is a self-proclaimed connoisseur of road head. Over the past ten years, he estimates that’s he received oral sex while driving a car no less than 1,000 times. However, he claims none of those experiences came anywhere close to the feeling of getting road head in his new Toyota Prius [...]
Larely, CA – In an effort to drastically increase the level of customer service in the fast food industry, fast food chain Taco Bell has announced that they are now pledging at least 60% accuracy in their filling of drive-thru orders.
Larely, CA – In an effort to inject some more fun back into reading, Larely based book publishing company Flashback Publishing announced that they will begin selling an edition of the classic Hunter S. Thompson novel, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas that will be printed entirely on blotter paper and perforated into ½ inch [...]
Larely, CA – With black Friday upon us once again, Larely’s Boxcar Liquors is stocking up for what is typically its busiest day of the year. As usual, Boxcar Liquors will open at 5AM and will be slashing prices on malt liquor, box wine, ice brewed beer, Boone’s Farm wines, and flavored rubbing alcohols. With [...]
Larely, CA – Peter Nate Herbert was acquitted in the assassination of former Larely mayor Rich Rundell today because jurors felt that his middle name was just “too lame” for him to have actually assassinated anyone.
Larely, CA – By all appearances, Evan Norris is a completely average six year old. He loves dinosaurs, wants to be a fireman or an astronaut when he grows up, and he still occasionally wets the bed. However, underneath his average exterior Evan possesses a truly special gift that he frequently calls upon to light [...]
Larely, CA – A new voter turnout record was set in Larely yesterday as voters came out to the polls in droves today to take part in the 2008 elections. While an increase wasn’t completely unexpected, no one in Larely expected it to be this large. Numbers from the ballot boxes show that 8% of [...]
Larely, CA – Smokin’ Poles, one of Larely’s many strip clubs, announced today that they have modified their fire sprinkler that sits above “Sniffers’ Row” so that it will now rain down $1 bills.
Today’s shift turned out to be a stressful one for Larely Police Officer Sean McKay, as he realized twenty minutes into his shift that he had forgotten his plant gun at home.
Due to shrinking budgets and the rising costs of food, the Larely Zoo was forced to euthanize its entire population of endangered sea otters today. The otters, which first came to the zoo twelve years ago, were typically one of the most popular attractions at the zoo. It wasn’t uncommon for hundreds of visitors to [...]
San Diego, CA – After more than two months of bickering, a group of friends that attended Comic-Con this past summer finally decided that the hand job their friend received in their hotel room was worth 6,000 experience points.
Larely, CA – People waiting at the intersection of Larely Parkway and Fourth Street SE today were treated to an unbelievable turn of events today when it was discovered that Ben Schmidt, a man who was biking while smoking a cigarette and wearing camouflage pants, was actually not on his way to a liquor store.
Larely, CA – Management at Larely’s Triplet Pines Mall ordered the MILF Hunter to remove his hunting stand from its parking lot today after receiving numerous complaints from Larely-area fathers about their wives and girlfriends getting banged.
Larely, CA – The Larely City Council voted 4-3 today to pass a law that will require McDonald’s to serve breakfast all day instead of halting sales at 10:30 AM.
