Archives for the ‘Local News’ Category

UC-Larely to Open Rehab Center Specializing in Fame Addiction

By • Oct 7th, 2010 • Category: Local News

Larely, CA – As an institution perpetually at the forefront of healthcare technology, UC-Larely put even more distance between themselves and their competitors today when they announced that they would be opening a rehabilitation center to treat individuals who are struggling with an addiction to fame.



Larely to Dye City’s Smokestack Emissions Green in Honor of Earth Day

By • Apr 22nd, 2010 • Category: Local News

Larely, CA – Larely mayor Vern Bixler delighted environmentalists across the city today when he announced that every industrial smoke stack in the city would be dyeing their emissions green to commemorate Earth Day.



“Larely Beagle” Writers’ Strike Ends After Six Long Months

By • Feb 25th, 2010 • Category: Local News

Larely, California – A writers’ strike lasting six long months ended today after an agreement was reached between “Larely Beagle” writers and its Board of Directors.



Unused Trial Hours from AOL Discs in Landfills Now Contaminating Nation’s Drinking Water

By • Aug 13th, 2009 • Category: Local News

Larely, CA – A study completed by UC Larely’s Chemistry Department yielded alarming results when it was discovered that drinking water all over America is being contaminated by the unused free trial hours from AOL discs.



Twitter to Start Closing Accounts That Use Poor Grammar

By • Jul 30th, 2009 • Category: Local News

San Francisco, CA – Less than a week after purging a large number of spam accounts, Twitter has now set its sights on the English language, as they announced that effective next week, they will begin deactivating accounts that use poor grammar.



Larely HMO’s To Now Only Cover Dr. McGillicuddy

By • Jul 23rd, 2009 • Category: Local News

Larely, CA – Health insurance giant Aetna made big news in Larely today when they announced sweeping changes to their Larely HMO network. In a letter sent to all local members, Aetna Chairman and CEO Ronald Williams wrote that “Effective immediately, our HMO’s will only cover Dr. McGillicuddy.”



Jon Bon Jovi Cited by Larely Police for Carrying Loaded Six String

By • Jul 23rd, 2009 • Category: Local News

Larely, CA – The world of rock and roll collided with the city of Larely today when rock icon Jon Bon Jovi received a citation from the Larely Police Department for carrying a loaded six string, which was turned up following a search off his tour bus.



City of Larely Forced to Lower B.A.C. Limit to .25%

By • Jul 16th, 2009 • Category: Local News

Larely, CA – Faced with the prospect of losing federal highway funds, the city of Larely reluctantly agreed today to lower its legal BAC limit to .25%.



“C-A-T” Again Good Enough to Capture Larely Spelling Bee Title

By • Jun 25th, 2009 • Category: Local News

Larely, CA – For the third time in the last five years, the word “C-A-T” proved good enough to bring home the Larely Spelling Bee title. After nearly five hours of competition, this year’s winner, Jacob Kenny was able to correctly spell the word and bring the title back to Erik Estrada Elementary, one of [...]



Larely Outsources 911 Call Center to India

By • May 28th, 2009 • Category: Local News

Larely, CA – In a move that is slated to save the city of Larely up to $5 million a year, Mayor Vern Bixler announced today that Larely’s 911 call center has been outsourced to Calcutta, India.



Slutty Looking Chick in Pharmacy Line Probably Refilling Valtrex Prescription

By • May 28th, 2009 • Category: Local News

Eden Prairie, MN – Several patrons at a Target pharmacy in suburban Minneapolis silently came to the same conclusion today when they assumed that a slutty looking customer waiting in line at the pharmacy was there to refill her prescription for Valtrex, a drug used in the management of genital herpes.



Spread Eagle Named Official City Bird of Larely

By • May 21st, 2009 • Category: Local News

Larely, CA – Larely residents who packed the atrium of Triplet Pines Mall today for mayor Bixler’s announcement of Larely’s new official city bird were treated to a pleasant surprise today when it was revealed that the spread eagle had won the contest.



Larely School District Passes “No Child Out in Front Act”

By • May 7th, 2009 • Category: Local News

Larely, CA – The city of Larely took a big step toward improving its school system today when it was announced that beginning next year, all public schools will need to act in accordance with the “No Child Out in Front Act”.



Larely’s First Annual “Self Storage Amnesty Day” a Huge Success

By • Apr 30th, 2009 • Category: Local News

Larely, CA – Carrying everything from severed heads and limbs to mattresses with the tags removed, citizens of Larely turned out in overwhelming numbers to participate in Larely’s first Annual “Self Storage Amnesty Day” this past Wednesday.



Local Porn Star Gives Up Anal Sex for Lent

By • Feb 26th, 2009 • Category: Local News

Larely, CA – Local adult film star Tate Browncock was the focus of attention in the adult film world today when he announced that he would be giving up anal sex for lent this year.



Larely Airlines Announces $15 Surcharge for Well Endowed Male Passengers

By • Feb 12th, 2009 • Category: Local News

Larely, CA – In a new example of just how aggressive airline surcharges can be, Larely Airlines announced today that beginning March 1, 2009, they will begin charging a $15 surcharge for well-endowed male passengers.



Select Comfort to Release New Sleep Number Racecar Bed

By • Jan 29th, 2009 • Category: Local News

Larely,  CA – The Select Comfort mattress company announced today that they will soon begin selling their widely successful Sleep Number beds in a racecar model.



Study: Pontiac Fiero Totally Makes Chicks Wet!

By • Jan 22nd, 2009 • Category: Local News

Larely, CA – The Biology Department of UC-Larely made headlines today when Professor Mary Sontenberg released her study that found, without a shred of doubt, that Pontiac Fieros have the ability to totally make chicks wet.



Larely Man Feels Better Getting Road Head in Hybrid Car

By • Jan 16th, 2009 • Category: Local News

Larely, CA – Tyler Folwell is a self-proclaimed connoisseur of road head. Over the past ten years, he estimates that’s he received oral sex while driving a car no less than 1,000 times. However, he claims none of those experiences came anywhere close to the feeling of getting road head in his new Toyota Prius [...]



Taco Bell Pledges at least 60% Accuracy on Drive-Thru Orders

By • Dec 17th, 2008 • Category: Local News

Larely, CA – In an effort to drastically increase the level of customer service in the fast food industry, fast food chain Taco Bell has announced that they are now pledging at least 60% accuracy in their filling of drive-thru orders.



New Edition of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas to be Printed on Blotter Paper

By • Dec 3rd, 2008 • Category: Local News

Larely, CA – In an effort to inject some more fun back into reading, Larely based book publishing company Flashback Publishing announced that they will begin selling an edition of the classic Hunter S. Thompson novel, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas that will be printed entirely on blotter paper and perforated into ½ inch [...]



Larely’s Boxcar Liquors Prepping for Annual Black Friday Surge

By • Nov 26th, 2008 • Category: Local News

Larely, CA – With black Friday upon us once again, Larely’s Boxcar Liquors is stocking up for what is typically its busiest day of the year. As usual, Boxcar Liquors will open at 5AM and will be slashing prices on malt liquor, box wine, ice brewed beer, Boone’s Farm wines, and flavored rubbing alcohols. With [...]



Alleged Assassin Acquitted Because Middle Name Too Lame

By • Nov 19th, 2008 • Category: Local News

Larely, CA – Peter Nate Herbert was acquitted in the assassination of former Larely mayor Rich Rundell today because jurors felt that his middle name was just “too lame” for him to have actually assassinated anyone.



Wunderkind Internet Commenter Able to Tie Any Subject Back to “Bangin’ Your Mom”

By • Nov 12th, 2008 • Category: Local News

Larely, CA – By all appearances, Evan Norris is a completely average six year old. He loves dinosaurs, wants to be a fireman or an astronaut when he grows up, and he still occasionally wets the bed. However, underneath his average exterior Evan possesses a truly special gift that he frequently calls upon to light [...]



Voter Turnout in Larely Increases to Record 8% of Eligible Voters

By • Nov 5th, 2008 • Category: Local News

Larely, CA – A new voter turnout record was set in Larely yesterday as voters came out to the polls in droves today to take part in the 2008 elections. While an increase wasn’t completely unexpected, no one in Larely expected it to be this large. Numbers from the ballot boxes show that 8% of [...]



Strip Club Modifies Fire Sprinkler to Rain Down $1 Bills

By • Oct 29th, 2008 • Category: Local News

Larely, CA – Smokin’ Poles, one of Larely’s many strip clubs, announced today that they have modified their fire sprinkler that sits above “Sniffers’ Row” so that it will now rain down $1 bills.



Larely Police Officer Feels Naked Without Plant Gun

By • Oct 22nd, 2008 • Category: Local News

Today’s shift turned out to be a stressful one for Larely Police Officer Sean McKay, as he realized twenty minutes into his shift that he had forgotten his plant gun at home.



Budget Shortages Force Larely Zoo to Euthanize its Endangered Sea Otters

By • Oct 15th, 2008 • Category: Local News

Due to shrinking budgets and the rising costs of food, the Larely Zoo was forced to euthanize its entire population of endangered sea otters today. The otters, which first came to the zoo twelve years ago, were typically one of the most popular attractions at the zoo.  It wasn’t uncommon for hundreds of visitors to [...]



Friends Determine Hand Job at Comic-Con to be Worth 6,000 Experience Points

By • Oct 15th, 2008 • Category: Local News

San Diego, CA – After more than two months of bickering, a group of friends that attended Comic-Con this past summer finally decided that the hand job their friend received in their hotel room was worth 6,000 experience points.



Cigarette Smoking Bicyclist Wearing Camouflage Pants Not Headed to Liquor Store

By • Oct 8th, 2008 • Category: Local News

Larely, CA – People waiting at the intersection of Larely Parkway and Fourth Street SE today were treated to an unbelievable turn of events today when it was discovered that Ben Schmidt, a man who was biking while smoking a cigarette and wearing camouflage pants, was actually not on his way to a liquor store.



Larely Mall orders MILF Hunter to Remove Hunting Stand from Parking Lot

By • Sep 22nd, 2008 • Category: Local News

Larely, CA – Management at Larely’s Triplet Pines Mall ordered the MILF Hunter to remove his hunting stand from its parking lot today after receiving numerous complaints from Larely-area fathers about their wives and girlfriends getting banged.



Larely City Council Passes Law Requiring McDonald’s to Serve Breakfast All Day

By • Sep 22nd, 2008 • Category: Local News

Larely, CA – The Larely City Council voted 4-3 today to pass a law that will require McDonald’s to serve breakfast all day instead of halting sales at 10:30 AM.