Pioneer Hall, UC-Larely, Larely, CA – In an event which places it in the mp3 pantheon with heavy hitters like “The Who-Teenage Wasteland.mp3 and Phish-Gin-n-Juice.mp3, Bob Dylan-Stuck in the Middle With You.mp3 reached one billion downloads earlier today.
London, England – The International Tennis Federation [ITF] announced today that in light of Richard Gasquet’s testing positive for cocaine, they will be taking a second look at a tennis match in which he took an unprecedented 147 bathroom breaks.
Larely, CA – The city of Larely took a big step toward improving its school system today when it was announced that beginning next year, all public schools will need to act in accordance with the “No Child Out in Front Act”.
Milwaukee, WI – On the heels of the story that former Green Bay Packer quarterback Brett Favre is thinking about coming out of retirement to play for the Minnesota Vikings, orphanages and foster homes all over Wisconsin are finding themselves inundated with children whose name contains either ‘Brett’ or ‘Favre’.
South Gate, CA – The music and medical worlds collided at a South Gate, CA hospital today when Sen Dog, a former member of the rap group Cypress Hill, coughed out the remainder of a bong hit that was taken in 1993.
Larely, CA – Carrying everything from severed heads and limbs to mattresses with the tags removed, citizens of Larely turned out in overwhelming numbers to participate in Larely’s first Annual “Self Storage Amnesty Day” this past Wednesday.
San Diego, CA – Eight years removed from his hall-of-fame baseball career, former San Diego Padres great Tony Gwynn is hoping that this will finally be the year that he hits 400. Gwynn, who is currently the head baseball coach at San Diego State University, his alma mater, has been in hot pursuit of the [...]
Outside the Tasty Freeze, Heartland, USA – In a depressing sign of just how bad the economy has gotten, John Mellencamp announced today that these current economic times are just too depressing for even him to sing about.
Bristol, CT – With only three days before the 2009 NFL draft, few people are logging more hours at work these days than Todd McShay. McShay, who is a College Football Insider with the ESPN network, needs to know the incoming class of NFL players like the back of his hand so that he is [...]
Denver, CO – Bars all over Denver are bracing for the upcoming arrival of new Broncos quarterback Kyle Orton, who was recently acquired [along two first round picks] in a trade with the Chicago Bears.
Washington, D.C. – In his address to Congress Tuesday night Barack Obama was emphatic that the country’s road to economic recovery will begin with widespread usage of the magicJack, which would save the country billions of dollars.
Los Angeles, CA – Kanye West’s ego announced today that it will soon be stepping out from the shadows of Kanye West and releasing its own solo album. The album, which will be released on Roc-A-Fella Records, is slated to be released sometime next year.
Larely, CA – Local adult film star Tate Browncock was the focus of attention in the adult film world today when he announced that he would be giving up anal sex for lent this year.
New York, NY – Baseball great Alex Rodriguez held a press conference today in which he retracted all of his comments made to ESPN’s Peter Gammons about steroid use. According to Rodriguez, the entire interview was a huge misunderstanding because he thought the interview was to discuss hemorrhoids, not steroids.
Los Angeles, CA – Musician Kid Rock took home his first ever Grammy Award this past weekend when he was honored with a “Lifetime Over-Achievement Award”.
Larely, CA – In a new example of just how aggressive airline surcharges can be, Larely Airlines announced today that beginning March 1, 2009, they will begin charging a $15 surcharge for well-endowed male passengers.
People all over the world totally lost their shit this past Monday when it was revealed that a twenty three year old kid likes smoking weed! A few cities even shut down because people’s feelings of disbelief prevented them from making it to work.
Larely, CA – Comcast cable subscribers in Larely received a heartfelt apology from Comcast CEO Brian Roberts today after an Adult Pay Per View film was accidentally interrupted with footage from the fourth quarter of Sunday’s Super Bowl game between the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Arizona Cardinals.
San Francisco, CA – The world of rock music received a shot in the arm today when it was revealed that rock bands Creed and Third Eye Blind would be uniting for the first annual “Douchebags of Rock” tour.
East Hanover, NJ – Looking to create some publicity and inject a little more flair into its new Double Stuf Racing League, Oreo announced today that they have signed Lyle and Erik Menendez to a lucrative long term deal.
Tampa, FL – The Arizona Cardinals’ hopes to win a Super Bowl title this year were dealt a very serious blow today when starting quarterback Kurt Warner announced that he would be skipping the Super Bowl on Sunday in order to attend church services.
Larely, CA – The Select Comfort mattress company announced today that they will soon begin selling their widely successful Sleep Number beds in a racecar model.
Laurentian Abyss, Atlantic Ocean – Planet Earth has found itself in the midst of an environmental crisis today after a freighter ship packed to the gills with a shipment of ShamWows capsized and soaked up the entire Atlantic Ocean.
After nearly 25 years of painstaking research and development, a UC-Larely Chemistry Professor has finally perfected a new drug for Huey Lewis. The professor, Dr. Charles Osborne hailed the finding as “realizing his life’s dream”.
Larely, CA – The Biology Department of UC-Larely made headlines today when Professor Mary Sontenberg released her study that found, without a shred of doubt, that Pontiac Fieros have the ability to totally make chicks wet.
Glendale, AZ – Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb added yet another item to his sparkling NFL resume on Sunday when, after a loss to the Arizona Cardinals, he won his fourth NFC Runner-Up ring.
Washington, D.C. – In a meeting with reporters today, President George W. Bush announced that he would be strategically leaving his eight year run as president off of his resume when searching for a new job.
Bradenton, FL – In a historic sports endorsement deal, women’s tennis superstar Maria Sharapova has come to an agreement with Nike to replace her trademark grunting with a yell of “Swoosh”.
Larely, CA – Tyler Folwell is a self-proclaimed connoisseur of road head. Over the past ten years, he estimates that’s he received oral sex while driving a car no less than 1,000 times. However, he claims none of those experiences came anywhere close to the feeling of getting road head in his new Toyota Prius [...]
Chicago, IL – Dr. Jon Marshall made some waves in the nutritional supplement industry today when he became the first medical professional to endorse the new Hydroxycut product, “Snake Oil”.
Paris, France – Daft Punk fans everywhere were saddened today when it was announced that a glitch in Windows Vista that prevents PC’s from running the software program Ableton Live 7 would be forcing them to cancel their Spring 2009 tour.
London, England – Looking to branch out from its wax sculpture roots, Madame Tussauds Museum announced today that they will soon be opening a new Leather Museum and that a figure of actor Clint Eastwood would be its inaugural sculpture.
Golden, CO – The Coors Brewing Company announced today that they will soon begin offering Coors Light in a new “shotgunnable can” that will feature a second tab on its side to allow for easy shotgunning.
East Rutherford, NJ – DeAngelo Williams was named MVP of your Fantasy Football Championship and nearly single handedly carried you to the title after he racked up 108 rushing yards and four touchdowns against the New York Giants in week sixteen of the NFL season.
Larely, CA – Mass confusion and chaos ensued today at Larely’s Velvety Conch Motel when camera crews for reality television shows “C.O.P.S.”, “Cheaters”, and “ElimiDATE” ended up filming one another after a series of bizarre coincidences led them all to the same place at the same time.
Seattle, WA – Delilah Rene, host of the widely syndicated request and dedication radio show, “Delilah”, announced today that she won’t be playing Journey’s song “Open Arms” on her show until she hears from a special caller with an extraordinary story.
New York, NY – Doctors in the Plaxico Burress shooting case released their first bit of positive news today when they announced that the self-inflicted gunshot wound should drastically improve the embattled wide receiver’s pimp limp.
Larely, CA – In an effort to drastically increase the level of customer service in the fast food industry, fast food chain Taco Bell has announced that they are now pledging at least 60% accuracy in their filling of drive-thru orders.
Can Tho, Vietnam – Scientists reported a major discovery from Vietnam’s Mekong Delta region today when they came across a new Baldwin brother that no one even knew existed.
San Jose, CA – As a result of the arrest of Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, online auction giant eBay has decided to remove the Governor’s listing for an “Illinois Senate Seat”.
Dallas, TX – Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo held a meeting with head coach Wade Phillips and offensive coordinator Jason Garrett today to express his desire to create more rushing plays for tight end Jason Witten. After the meeting, Romo met briefly with reporters and said, “When Witten and I have our weekly private meetings [...]
San Luis Obispo, CA – A group of audio engineers from Cal Poly [California Polytechnic State University] announced today that after thorough investigation, they don’t believe that the new posthumous Notorious B.I.G. song, “Going Back to Cal Poly” is authentic.
Larely, CA – The Larely Association of Women Professionals honored actress Tara Reid as its “2008 Woman of the Year” today at its annual banquet held at Larely’s Red Roof Inn.
Philadelphia, PA – In an effort to increase viewer ratings for Versus, its cable television sports channel, the Comcast Corporation has decided to quit airing all of its other programming and just broadcast color bars all day long.
New York, NY – The New York Knicks received some troubling news from their team doctor today when tests revealed that they were carrying around a 6ft 2in, 205lb malignant tumor.
Larely, CA – A group calling themselves “One-Hit Wonders for Equality” filed a discrimination law suit against Larely radio station KLRY today alleging that the station’s “Two for Tuesday” format discriminates against them because they only have one song fit for radio.
Larely, CA – In an effort to inject some more fun back into reading, Larely based book publishing company Flashback Publishing announced that they will begin selling an edition of the classic Hunter S. Thompson novel, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas that will be printed entirely on blotter paper and perforated into ½ inch [...]
Hollywood, CA – In a risky move that, if successful, could revolutionize the football movie genre, movie director Michael Bay’s new football movie will actually feature tackles that aren’t all back breaking.
Silver Spring, MD – Cable television network Animal Planet announced today that they will soon be debuting a Soap Opera intended for Stay-at-Home pets.
Hell, Hell – Residents of Hell awoke this past Sunday morning to find that temperatures had plummeted and frost and ice had permeated the land. According to meteorologists, it was the first time in all of eternity that Hell had actually frozen over. In fact, the low temperature of 32º F (0º C) was the [...]
