London, England – Ending days of speculation about who will design her wedding gown when she marries Prince William next year, Kate Middleton announced today that she will be wearing a Christian Audigier designed Ed Hardy gown down the aisle.
Oberhausen, Germany – Paul the Octopus, who rocketed to international stardom during the 2010 World Cup with his uncanny ability to pick the winner of Germany’s matches, finally saw the end of his hot streak on Tuesday when he incorrectly chose the outcome of whether or not he would live to see another day.
Paris, France – The labor union protests that have wreaked havoc all across France intensified today, when, in a surprise move, the French government announced plans to lengthen the work day to 5 full hours.
Boston, MA – People across the NFL were stunned on Wednesday when it was confirmed that the New England Patriots had indeed traded All-Pro receiver Randy Moss to the Minnesota Vikings. Though Moss’ desire for a new contract had been public knowledge since the beginning of the season, few figured the Patriots would actually trade [...]
Larely, CA – As an institution perpetually at the forefront of healthcare technology, UC-Larely put even more distance between themselves and their competitors today when they announced that they would be opening a rehabilitation center to treat individuals who are struggling with an addiction to fame.
Frankfurt, Germany – Clerical errors continue to wreak havoc across the globe this week. Just days after a clerical error caused the Dow Jones to plummet over 400 points in less than five minutes, a similar error resulted in the European Central Bank giving $100 billion in funds to “Grease”, the musical instead of Greece, [...]
Phoenix, AZ – After making a miraculous recovery from a brain hemorrhage suffered in late April, former Poison front-man Bret Michaels blew even more minds today when it was revealed that his near fatal hemorrhage was caused by years upon years of bandana abuse.
Phoenix, AZ – Phoenix Suns point guard Steve Nash felt the squeeze of Arizona’s new Immigration Bill (SB 1070) today when he was arrested in Phoenix today after being unable to provide proper Alien Registration Documents to police during a routine traffic stop.
Gulf of Mexico Coastline, U.S. – Anxiety gave way to security today for the Gulf of Mexico region of the United States after oil company BP announced that the 5,000 barrels of oil spilling into the gulf waters each day will repel future hurricanes.
Larely, CA – Larely mayor Vern Bixler delighted environmentalists across the city today when he announced that every industrial smoke stack in the city would be dyeing their emissions green to commemorate Earth Day.
Los Angeles, CA – CBS Network’s hit television show “Undercover Boss” generated some serious buzz today when it was announced that Larry Flynt and his “Hustler” brand would be the featured in an upcoming episode.
Washington, D.C. – President Obama issued an executive order today for United States’ flag to be flown at half staff for the next thirty days to both mourn the loss and respect the memory of actor Corey Haim, who passed away this past Wednesday.
Los Angeles, California – Today proved to be a great day for James Cameron and his latest low-budget creation “Avatar”, as it was nominated for a record nine Independent Spirit Awards, including “Best Film”.
Larely, California – A writers’ strike lasting six long months ended today after an agreement was reached between “Larely Beagle” writers and its Board of Directors.
Columbus, OH – Fast food chain White Castle revealed major renovation plans today when it was announced that they will soon begin installing moats and drawbridges around their 392 locations throughout the United States.
Baltimore, MD – Jon Gruden, the newest addition to the “Monday Night Football” team of announcers, found himself making his very first announcer related apology today after he accidentally applied the “he’s so well spoken” compliment to a white player.
San Francisco, CA – Social networking and micro-blogging giant Twitter was dealt a major blow today when their iconic and often used “fail whale”, which alerted Twitter users of temporary outages, was caught and killed by a Japanese whaling ship off the coast of Antarctica.
Miami, FL – Americans looking to lose some weight this year will have a new weapon in their arsenal as the new “South Beach Runway Model” diet is sweeping across the United States. Like the Atkins, Pritikin, and South Beach diets that came before it, it is a high power diet capable of producing significant [...]
Monterrey, Nuevo León, Mexico – A successful advertising campaign for Dos Equis beer was derailed today when it was announced that their “Most Interesting Man in the World” spokesman was let go after he was photographed wearing Crocs.
New York, NY – Danco Laboratories, the company licensed to distribute RU-486 (or Mifeprex), commonly known as the “abortion pill”, announced today that they are planning to rename the pill “Rick Pitino Health Insurance” in order to help improve its public perception.
Larely, CA – A study completed by UC Larely’s Chemistry Department yielded alarming results when it was discovered that drinking water all over America is being contaminated by the unused free trial hours from AOL discs.
Washington, D.C. – Looking to raise money after exhausting their $1 billion appropriation, the Car Allowance Rebate System, more commonly known as “Cash for Clunkers” announced that they will now be implementing a “Clunkers for Cash” program that will allow Americans to buy “clunkers” back from the government for their full blue book value.
Hollywood, CA – Male hearts across Larely were set aflutter today when popular young actress Vanessa Hudgens revealed that if the perfect movie role, or perfect cellphone/mirror photo-op arose, she would consider doing nudity.
San Francisco, CA – Less than a week after purging a large number of spam accounts, Twitter has now set its sights on the English language, as they announced that effective next week, they will begin deactivating accounts that use poor grammar.
Cincinnati, OH – The National Skee-Ball Hall of Fame and Museum made some serious waves in the sporting world today when it ruled that Pete Rose, one of sport’s all-time great players would be denied induction into their hall of fame.
Valley State Prison for Women, Chowchilla, CA – The California Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation was forced to grant an early release to super villain Camern Sandiego today after an influx of new prisoners caused the prison to exceed its maximum capacity.
Larely, CA – Health insurance giant Aetna made big news in Larely today when they announced sweeping changes to their Larely HMO network. In a letter sent to all local members, Aetna Chairman and CEO Ronald Williams wrote that “Effective immediately, our HMO’s will only cover Dr. McGillicuddy.”
Los Angeles, CA – Television host Larry King received another award to add to his lengthy list of career accolades today when it was revealed that he had won People Magazine’s inaugural “hottest shoulders in show business award”.
St. Petersburg, FL – Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales made a very heartfelt public apology today when it was discovered that the site does not have an entry for the late Cal Jammer, a male porn star who has over 300 adult films to his name.
Larely, CA – In a study initially intended to gauge young women’s opinions toward misogynistic rap songs before and after alcohol consumption, a professor at UC-Larely seems to have accidentally stumbled upon a mysterious phenomenon that she is unable to explain.
Northfield, IL – Joining a long list of companies who are choosing to honor the achievements made by the late Michael Jackson, Kraft Foods, Inc. (NYSE: KFT) announced today that are working hard to develop a new flavor of salad dressing named “Neverland Ranch”.
Larely, CA – Faced with the prospect of losing federal highway funds, the city of Larely reluctantly agreed today to lower its legal BAC limit to .25%.
Los Angeles, CA – In yet another addition to the list of problems facing the United States, President Obama told reporters today that he is “extremely concerned” about how low America’s hyperbole reserve has become following Tuesday’s memorial service for Michael Jackson.
Juneau, AK – The World Conservation Union (IUCN) identified yet another endangered species today when they added the Governor Cougar (Puma congovernor) to its “Red List”.
Indianapolis, IN – What started out as an ordinary day soon proved to be momentous for Indiana Pacers rookie Tyler Hansbrough. The new draft pick agreed to terms with the Indiana Pacers and signed his first and last NBA contract. The deal, a four year contract with a team option on the third and fourth [...]
White Cloud, Heaven – After just three days in heaven, Billy Mays has already made a name for himself after he used Fix It!, the fast action scratch remover to remove a nagging scratch that had been on the pearly gates for years.
Larely, CA – The city of Larely is having to answer some serious questions today after 58 people were killed when a bomb was detonated on a subway car just east of Larely Parkway. Apparently, the incident was a hijacking-for-ransom attempt that went bad after neither police nor a hostage negotiator were sent to the [...]
San Francisco, CA – In what has become a debilitating phobia that is teetering on the brink of total breakdown, Pete Howell, a thirty three year old bartender from San Francisco has become convinced that he will die at the exact same moment his copy of Pink Floyd’s “P•u•l•s•e” stops blinking.
Wimbledon, London, England – In an effort to create more excitement for the top ranked British tennis players, the All England Club announced today that they have created a “Bogdanovic Bidet” to be installed on their grounds next to Henman Hill, which is also commonly referred to as Mt. Murray.
Larely, CA – For the third time in the last five years, the word “C-A-T” proved good enough to bring home the Larely Spelling Bee title. After nearly five hours of competition, this year’s winner, Jacob Kenny was able to correctly spell the word and bring the title back to Erik Estrada Elementary, one of [...]
Tehran, Iran – In an effort to quell some of the violence and protests that have been taking place in the days since Iran’s presidential election, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced today that he has hired Rod Blagojevich to verify that the election results being reported have not been tampered with and are indeed the correct [...]
Minneapolis, MN – In what could signal a growing trend of athletes changing their names, Minnesota Twins All-Star catcher Joe Mauer announced that he has legally changed his first name to “Jock”.
Larely, CA – In a move that is slated to save the city of Larely up to $5 million a year, Mayor Vern Bixler announced today that Larely’s 911 call center has been outsourced to Calcutta, India.
San Francisco, CA – Musician Jenny Lewis announced today that she will be cancelling her tour effective immediately to begin principle photography on “The Wii-zard”, which is a sequel to the 1989 film “The Wizard” that she starred in alongside Fred Savage. Lewis, who was touring in support of her new solo album “Acid Tongue”, [...]
Eden Prairie, MN – Several patrons at a Target pharmacy in suburban Minneapolis silently came to the same conclusion today when they assumed that a slutty looking customer waiting in line at the pharmacy was there to refill her prescription for Valtrex, a drug used in the management of genital herpes.
Vatican City – Standing in his usual library window overlooking St. Peter’s Square (Piazza San Pietro), Pope Benedict XVI addressed a crowd of over 100,000 people today to denounce the movie “Angels and Demons” for being shitty.
Larely, CA – In the second case this week of a U.S. judge ordering the arrest of a parent failing to provide life saving medical care to their child, a Larely Judge issued an arrest warrant today for the mother of a fifteen year old girl who is resisting getting breast implants.
Leavenworth, KS – In a move designed to give Americans a much needed respite from stories about Brett Favre’s possible NFL comeback, former Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick was released from a federal penitentiary today.
Larely, CA – Larely residents who packed the atrium of Triplet Pines Mall today for mayor Bixler’s announcement of Larely’s new official city bird were treated to a pleasant surprise today when it was revealed that the spread eagle had won the contest.
MCAS Miramar, San Diego, CA – The U.S. Navy announced today that they will be creating a memorial statue for Lt. Nick “Goose” Bradshaw, a Radar Intercept Officer [RIO] who was killed during a TOPGUN training mission over twenty years ago.
