Washington, D.C. – President Obama issued an executive order today for United States’ flag to be flown at half staff for the next thirty days to both mourn the loss and respect the memory of actor Corey Haim, who passed away this past Wednesday.
Los Angeles, CA – CBS Network’s hit television show “Undercover Boss” generated some serious buzz today when it was announced that Larry Flynt and his “Hustler” brand would be the featured in an upcoming episode.
The show, which features a high level executive at a major corporation disguised and working entry-level jobs within the company, has [...]
Los Angeles, California – Today proved to be a great day for James Cameron and his latest low-budget creation “Avatar”, as it was nominated for a record nine Independent Spirit Awards, including “Best Film”.
Larely, California – A writers’ strike lasting six long months ended today after an agreement was reached between “Larely Beagle” writers and its Board of Directors.
Though the terms of the agreement are not being made public, it is being widely speculated that the writers caved after being notified that the Board intended on bringing in [...]
Columbus, OH – Fast food chain White Castle revealed major renovation plans today when it was announced that they will soon begin installing moats and drawbridges around their 392 locations throughout the United States.
Baltimore, MD – Jon Gruden, the newest addition to the “Monday Night Football” team of announcers, found himself making his very first announcer related apology today after he accidentally applied the “he’s so well spoken” compliment to a white player.
San Francisco, CA – Social networking and micro-blogging giant Twitter was dealt a major blow today when their iconic and often used “fail whale”, which alerted Twitter users of temporary outages, was caught and killed by a Japanese whaling ship off the coast of Antarctica.
The tragic news was announced this morning by Twitter CEO Evan [...]
Miami, FL – Americans looking to lose some weight this year will have a new weapon in their arsenal as the new “South Beach Runway Model” diet is sweeping across the United States. Like the Atkins, Pritikin, and South Beach diets that came before it, it is a high power diet capable of producing [...]
Monterrey, Nuevo León, Mexico – A successful advertising campaign for Dos Equis beer was derailed today when it was announced that their “Most Interesting Man in the World” spokesman was let go after he was photographed wearing Crocs.
New York, NY – Danco Laboratories, the company licensed to distribute RU-486 (or Mifeprex), commonly known as the “abortion pill”, announced today that they are planning to rename the pill “Rick Pitino Health Insurance” in order to help improve its public perception.
Larely, CA – A study completed by UC Larely’s Chemistry Department yielded alarming results when it was discovered that drinking water all over America is being contaminated by the unused free trial hours from AOL discs.
Washington, D.C. – Looking to raise money after exhausting their $1 billion appropriation, the Car Allowance Rebate System, more commonly known as “Cash for Clunkers” announced that they will now be implementing a “Clunkers for Cash” program that will allow Americans to buy “clunkers” back from the government for their full blue book value.
Hollywood, CA – Male hearts across Larely were set aflutter today when popular young actress Vanessa Hudgens revealed that if the perfect movie role, or perfect cellphone/mirror photo-op arose, she would consider doing nudity.
San Francisco, CA – Less than a week after purging a large number of spam accounts, Twitter has now set its sights on the English language, as they announced that effective next week, they will begin deactivating accounts that use poor grammar.
Cincinnati, OH – The National Skee-Ball Hall of Fame and Museum made some serious waves in the sporting world today when it ruled that Pete Rose, one of sport’s all-time great players would be denied induction into their hall of fame.
Valley State Prison for Women, Chowchilla, CA – The California Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation was forced to grant an early release to super villain Camern Sandiego today after an influx of new prisoners caused the prison to exceed its maximum capacity.
Larely, CA – Health insurance giant Aetna made big news in Larely today when they announced sweeping changes to their Larely HMO network. In a letter sent to all local members, Aetna Chairman and CEO Ronald Williams wrote that “Effective immediately, our HMO’s will only cover Dr. McGillicuddy.”
Los Angeles, CA – Television host Larry King received another award to add to his lengthy list of career accolades today when it was revealed that he had won People Magazine’s inaugural “hottest shoulders in show business award”.
St. Petersburg, FL – Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales made a very heartfelt public apology today when it was discovered that the site does not have an entry for the late Cal Jammer, a male porn star who has over 300 adult films to his name.
Larely, CA – In a study initially intended to gauge young women’s opinions toward misogynistic rap songs before and after alcohol consumption, a professor at UC-Larely seems to have accidentally stumbled upon a mysterious phenomenon that she is unable to explain.
Northfield, IL – Joining a long list of companies who are choosing to honor the achievements made by the late Michael Jackson, Kraft Foods, Inc. (NYSE: KFT) announced today that are working hard to develop a new flavor of salad dressing named “Neverland Ranch”.
Larely, CA – Faced with the prospect of losing federal highway funds, the city of Larely reluctantly agreed today to lower its legal BAC limit to .25%.
Los Angeles, CA – In yet another addition to the list of problems facing the United States, President Obama told reporters today that he is “extremely concerned” about how low America’s hyperbole reserve has become following Tuesday’s memorial service for Michael Jackson.
Juneau, AK – The World Conservation Union (IUCN) identified yet another endangered species today when they added the Governor Cougar (Puma congovernor) to its “Red List”.
Indianapolis, IN – What started out as an ordinary day soon proved to be momentous for Indiana Pacers rookie Tyler Hansbrough. The new draft pick agreed to terms with the Indiana Pacers and signed his first and last NBA contract. The deal, a four year contract with a team option on the third [...]
White Cloud, Heaven – After just three days in heaven, Billy Mays has already made a name for himself after he used Fix It!, the fast action scratch remover to remove a nagging scratch that had been on the pearly gates for years.
Larely, CA – The city of Larely is having to answer some serious questions today after 58 people were killed when a bomb was detonated on a subway car just east of Larely Parkway. Apparently, the incident was a hijacking-for-ransom attempt that went bad after neither police nor a hostage negotiator were sent to [...]
San Francisco, CA – In what has become a debilitating phobia that is teetering on the brink of total breakdown, Pete Howell, a thirty three year old bartender from San Francisco has become convinced that he will die at the exact same moment his copy of Pink Floyd’s “P•u•l•s•e” stops blinking.
Wimbledon, London, England – In an effort to create more excitement for the top ranked British tennis players, the All England Club announced today that they have created a “Bogdanovic Bidet” to be installed on their grounds next to Henman Hill, which is also commonly referred to as Mt. Murray.
Larely, CA – For the third time in the last five years, the word “C-A-T” proved good enough to bring home the Larely Spelling Bee title. After nearly five hours of competition, this year’s winner, Jacob Kenny was able to correctly spell the word and bring the title back to Erik Estrada Elementary, one [...]
Tehran, Iran – In an effort to quell some of the violence and protests that have been taking place in the days since Iran’s presidential election, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced today that he has hired Rod Blagojevich to verify that the election results being reported have not been tampered with and are indeed the correct [...]
Minneapolis, MN – In what could signal a growing trend of athletes changing their names, Minnesota Twins All-Star catcher Joe Mauer announced that he has legally changed his first name to “Jock”.
Larely, CA – In a move that is slated to save the city of Larely up to $5 million a year, Mayor Vern Bixler announced today that Larely’s 911 call center has been outsourced to Calcutta, India.
San Francisco, CA – Musician Jenny Lewis announced today that she will be cancelling her tour effective immediately to begin principle photography on “The Wii-zard”, which is a sequel to the 1989 film “The Wizard” that she starred in alongside Fred Savage. Lewis, who was touring in support of her new solo album “Acid [...]
Eden Prairie, MN – Several patrons at a Target pharmacy in suburban Minneapolis silently came to the same conclusion today when they assumed that a slutty looking customer waiting in line at the pharmacy was there to refill her prescription for Valtrex, a drug used in the management of genital herpes.
Vatican City – Standing in his usual library window overlooking St. Peter’s Square (Piazza San Pietro), Pope Benedict XVI addressed a crowd of over 100,000 people today to denounce the movie “Angels and Demons” for being shitty.
Larely, CA – In the second case this week of a U.S. judge ordering the arrest of a parent failing to provide life saving medical care to their child, a Larely Judge issued an arrest warrant today for the mother of a fifteen year old girl who is resisting getting breast implants.
Leavenworth, KS – In a move designed to give Americans a much needed respite from stories about Brett Favre’s possible NFL comeback, former Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick was released from a federal penitentiary today.
Larely, CA – Larely residents who packed the atrium of Triplet Pines Mall today for mayor Bixler’s announcement of Larely’s new official city bird were treated to a pleasant surprise today when it was revealed that the spread eagle had won the contest.
MCAS Miramar, San Diego, CA – The U.S. Navy announced today that they will be creating a memorial statue for Lt. Nick “Goose” Bradshaw, a Radar Intercept Officer [RIO] who was killed during a TOPGUN training mission over twenty years ago.
Pioneer Hall, UC-Larely, Larely, CA – In an event which places it in the mp3 pantheon with heavy hitters like “The Who-Teenage Wasteland.mp3 and Phish-Gin-n-Juice.mp3, Bob Dylan-Stuck in the Middle With You.mp3 reached one billion downloads earlier today.
London, England – The International Tennis Federation [ITF] announced today that in light of Richard Gasquet’s testing positive for cocaine, they will be taking a second look at a tennis match in which he took an unprecedented 147 bathroom breaks.
Larely, CA – The city of Larely took a big step toward improving its school system today when it was announced that beginning next year, all public schools will need to act in accordance with the “No Child Out in Front Act”.
Milwaukee, WI – On the heels of the story that former Green Bay Packer quarterback Brett Favre is thinking about coming out of retirement to play for the Minnesota Vikings, orphanages and foster homes all over Wisconsin are finding themselves inundated with children whose name contains either ‘Brett’ or ‘Favre’.
South Gate, CA – The music and medical worlds collided at a South Gate, CA hospital today when Sen Dog, a former member of the rap group Cypress Hill, coughed out the remainder of a bong hit that was taken in 1993.
Larely, CA – Carrying everything from severed heads and limbs to mattresses with the tags removed, citizens of Larely turned out in overwhelming numbers to participate in Larely’s first Annual “Self Storage Amnesty Day” this past Wednesday.
San Diego, CA – Eight years removed from his hall-of-fame baseball career, former San Diego Padres great Tony Gwynn is hoping that this will finally be the year that he hits 400.
Gwynn, who is currently the head baseball coach at San Diego State University, his alma mater, has been in hot pursuit of the accomplishment [...]
Outside the Tasty Freeze, Heartland, USA – In a depressing sign of just how bad the economy has gotten, John Mellencamp announced today that these current economic times are just too depressing for even him to sing about.
Bristol, CT – With only three days before the 2009 NFL draft, few people are logging more hours at work these days than Todd McShay. McShay, who is a College Football Insider with the ESPN network, needs to know the incoming class of NFL players like the back of his hand so that he [...]
Denver, CO – Bars all over Denver are bracing for the upcoming arrival of new Broncos quarterback Kyle Orton, who was recently acquired [along two first round picks] in a trade with the Chicago Bears.
