Doctor: Bret Michaels’ Brain Hemorrhage Brought on by Years of Bandana Abuse
Phoenix, AZ – After making a miraculous recovery from a brain hemorrhage suffered in late April, former Poison front-man Bret Michaels blew even more minds today when it was revealed that his near fatal hemorrhage was caused by years upon years of bandana abuse.
The shocking news was delivered by Michaels’ doctor, Joseph Zabramski during a press conference at the Barrow Neurological Institute at St. Joseph’s Hospital in Phoenix, AZ. Zabramski told reporters, “It’s sometimes difficult to pinpoint the exact cause of a brain hemorrhage, but I’m positive about this one. Bret’s situation was caused by years of bandana abuse.”
Zabramski then paused for a moment until the audible gasps in the crowd quieted down, and continued, “This is by far the worst case of bandana abuse I’ve ever seen. After talking with Bret, he confirmed my worst fears, telling me that he had worn a bandana every day for the past thirty years. To put that in perspective, even Bandit from ‘Smokey and the Bandit’ took off his hat to make love. However, after interviewing numerous groupies and “Rock of Love” contestants, and then carefully analyzing an intimate video he made with Pam Anderson, I was able to determine that Bret didn’t even remove his bandana during intercourse.”
Zabramski then reached under the table and pulled out two photos. “This promotional photo was taken during the “Open Up and Say… Ahh!” tour in 1988. As you can see, the leopard skin bandana is securely tied around his head, underneath his bangs. This second picture was taken in early 2010, and you can clearly see the bandana is in front of the bangs, which poses an even greater risk. With this kind of abuse, it truly is a miracle that he will make a full recovery.”
The doctor ended the conference on another positive note, reaching out to children, saying, “I understand that some kids out there may be jealous of Michaels’ ‘signature look’. However, I wish to communicate to them very clearly, that while you may think you look like a badass, you are putting yourself in grave danger. That’s why Bret allowed me to share this information with you today. He hopes that his story will become a cautionary tale and will hopefully prevent a child from making the same grave mistake.”
i want to marry that guy.