Larely to Dye City’s Smokestack Emissions Green in Honor of Earth Day
Larely, CA – Larely mayor Vern Bixler delighted environmentalists across the city today when he announced that every industrial smoke stack in the city would be dyeing their emissions green to commemorate Earth Day.
Standing before a packed conference room during his annual April 20th luncheon with the Larely chapter of NORML, Bixler told the crowd that “It’s time to put the GREEN back in Greenhouse gases, and if those Micks over in Chicago can dye the river green on St. Patrick’s Day, I’ll be damn sure that Larely can do the same with its smoke stacks on Earth Day.”
The green smoke should create a stunning visual effect, as Larely currently has more smoke stacks per square mile than any other city in the United States. In fact, most days, Larely’s Air Quality Index (AQI) hovers just under 400… a level typically only seen in China.
And while some people are upset with the decision because they believe Larely’s smoke stacks contribute heavily to the city’s poor AQI, Mayor Bixler sees the issue differently. “When those babies are putting out smoke, it means we’re TCB’n (takin’ care of business) here in Larely. And spare me your whining about childhood asthma, because numerous studies commissioned by LIBT (Larely Industries for a Better Tomorrow) have shown that not only is there no correlation between poor air quality and childhood asthma, but, in fact, the particulate matter in the air will create a protective coating on a child’s lungs that preps them for a lifetime of smoking cigarettes.”
Bixler also announced that in order to ensure Larely residents would celebrate the holiday properly, the city would be sponsoring neighborhood get-togethers around town. He said that police officers would be delivering food and drinks, along with Styrofoam plates, bowls, cups, and plastic utensils off at the party sites. The city also hoped to give each attendee a free mercury thermometer as this upcoming summer is projected to be the hottest one on record.
This year marks the 40th anniversary of Earth Day, which was founded by U.S. Senator Gaylord Nelson and was designed to inspire awareness and appreciation for the Earth’s environment. It is currently celebrated in more than 190 countries worldwide and according to the organization Earth Day Network, its over 1 billion participants make it the largest secular civic event in the world.
