The Larely Beagle – The Community Newspaper of Larely, California

Miami, FL – Americans looking to lose some weight this year will have a new weapon in their arsenal as the new “South Beach Runway Model” diet is sweeping across the United States. Like the Atkins, Pritikin, and South Beach diets that came before it, it is a high power diet capable of producing significant results in a short period of time. It’s spreading like wildfire and is being embraced by both soccer moms and young male professionals alike.

For those who have not yet heard of the “South Beach Runway Model” diet, it is founded upon the four cornerstones of nicotine, caffeine, aspartame, and cocaine, and derives its name from the Miami fashion model community, where it has flown under the radar for decades.

Its premise is relatively simple: you start each day with a basecoat of cocaine, which speeds up the heart and increases metabolism. When you get hungry, you smoke a cigarette, which introduces nicotine to suppress your appetite, as well as speed your heart up some more. When you get thirsty, you drink a can or two of diet coke. The caffeine speeds up your one more notch, and the aspartame makes sure you don’t consume any actual calories that you’ll have to burn off. Simply repeating this process while always maintaining a steady basecoat of cocaine allows your body to function at its maximum calorie burning potential for extended periods of time.

The diet’s new found popularity can be attributed to Marie Stevens, a twenty three year old runway model currently living in Miami. According to Stevens, a 6’2’’, 104 lb model who has appeared in magazines like Vogue, Elle, Marie Claire, GQ, and Club, “People were always asking what my secret was for staying both thin and healthy looking at the same time, so I decided to let them in on the secret. I can’t take credit for inventing the diet because it was around for decades before I arrived in Miami, but I will take credit for being the first person to put it in writing for people all over the country to enjoy.”

While the diet’s results are unquestionable, some nutritionists around the country are concerned that being on this diet for extended periods of time could lead to health problems. Dr. Gerald Orth, a Larely based nutritionist says, “While on the surface this diet seems like a godsend, I worry there could be some potential health risks associated with it. While none of the diet’s four cornerstones by themselves are that bad for you, mixing all four together at such a high amounts could tax the heart a little more than most doctors would like. I can’t speak for sure on that though, as I’m still waiting for the results of the study I’m conducting.”