RU-486 Abortion Pill to be Renamed “Rick Pitino Health Insurance”
New York, NY – Danco Laboratories, the company licensed to distribute RU-486 (or Mifeprex), commonly known as the “abortion pill”, announced today that they are planning to rename the pill “Rick Pitino Health Insurance” in order to help improve its public perception.
The head of Danco, who must speak anonymously due to security reasons, told a group of reporters “Ever since RU-486 was created it’s been dogged by controversy. From people assuming it is shorthand for ‘Are you for 86’n the pregnancy?’ to the pro-life / pro-choice argument that has been raging in the United States since 1973, we just can’t seem to escape it. Our hope is that by giving the product a new name and rebranding it, we will be able to undo the cultural stigmas that have been placed upon it.”
Brandon Muller, who runs Larely based ad agency “Brand On”, thinks the strategy has an excellent chance of succeeding, saying, “Abortion is a very coarse word and it’s a marketer’s nightmare when it becomes associated with their product. However, ‘health insurance’ is something that everyone aspires to have. There’s a large desire for it. Aligning your product with something like that could prove to be a great benefit to sales.” Muller also went on to say, “Plus there’s the fact that Coach Pitino has a unblemished reputation and has taken three different teams to the Final Four. Having his name and face associated with a product can only be a positive.”
Danco’s plan, however, has also made some people irate. Jen Peterson, who spends about 4-5 hours picketing in front of Larely’s Planned Parenthood each day told reporters, “This is just more trickery heaped upon the American people by some shady corporation looking to line its pockets. They don’t care about anyone other than themselves and their stock options. Their product is out here on the streets wiping out God’s Stimulus Packages [ed. note: Peterson’s term for unborn children] every day. How do they live with themselves?”
Despite Peterson’s strong anger toward “Rick Petino Health Insurance” and the company that will soon be selling it, she says she can find comfort that everyone at Danco will someday have to answer to a higher power for their actions. “All I can say is that I hope they like heat.”
Danco expects to have new packaging and labels printed for “”Rick Pitino Health Insurance” by the end of the week, with products arriving at pharmacies within the month.
