Kevin Costner Earns Asterisk After Admitting He Juiced for “Bull Durham”
Beverly Hills, CA – The American Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences was forced to hand down a harsh punishment to one of its Oscar winning directors this week when Kevin Costner* revealed that he had used illegal steroids to prepare for his role as Crash Davis in the 1988 film “Bull Durham”.
The punishment will require Costner to miss no less than three (3) epic westerns already in production and will also require an asterisk be placed next to his name any time it is listed in conjunction with the Academy or the Oscar’s. Costner must also undergo random drug testing any time he is involved with a project.
Costner has long considered himself a serious method actor who prefers to act by completely immersing himself in the character. It is well known that he spent close to six weeks on an Oklahoma cattle ranch to prepare his British accent for his lead role in “Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves”. He also spent months rowing a boat on the Potomac preparing for the role of Lt. Commander Tom Farrell in 1987’s “No Way Out”.
No one suspected he’d resort to steroids to gain insight into a role though. Costner himself confirmed that fact when he nonchalantly told reporters, “It’s not like I hit the ball further than my stunt double, I just seemed to have more advice for Nuke, on and off the field, when the juice was flowing through my veins. Plus, I quit right after I hit my last dinger in the Carolina league. I don’t see what the big deal is.”
However, the Academy took the admission very seriously. Their research found that by using steroids, Costner could lift heavier scripts, which in turn allowed him to make his Oscar winning epic western “Dances with Wolves”**. A script like that weighs up to three times more than your average romantic comedy, and Academy members doubt he would have been able to handle it if not for the juice.
Fellow actor Mickey Rourke agreed with the Academy saying, “No way a man can dance with a wolf like he did in that flick unless he’s juicing…No way.”
Costner says he’ll wait out the three epic western suspension because he already secured funding from anonymous sources for his $11 billion sequel to “Dances with Wolves”**. Sources close the project say they’ve heard Costner boasting, “even though this project has no script yet, it will make 1995’s great American classic ‘Waterworld’ seem like an after school special”.
*The American Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has declared this actor/director’s accomplishments as tainted due to usage of performance enhancing drugs.
**The American Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has classified this film as tainted due to usage of performance enhancing drugs by Kevin Costner.
