White Castle to Begin Installing Moats & Drawbridges at Restaurant Locations
Columbus, OH – Fast food chain White Castle revealed major renovation plans today when it was announced that they will soon begin installing moats and drawbridges around their 392 locations throughout the United States.
President and CEO E.W. “Bill” Ingram III told reporters, “We take pride in being a 24 hour food option, and we love catering to that demographic. However, the late nights mixed with the inexpensive hamburgers resulted in a lot of riff raff coming in and hanging out, scaring away paying customers in the process. Installing moats and drawbridges ensures that only ideal and valued customers are allowed entry into our establishments and will result in a better White Castle experience for both customers and employees.”
With the additions, instead of simply walking through the door and placing their order, customers will be required to first give their order to an employee over an intercom so it can be dubbed “worthy”. Once that happens, customers will send their money into the restaurant using pneumatic tubing, like you’d find at any bank. Once payment is received, the restaurant will lower the drawbridge and the customer will be able to go in and enjoy their slyders.
Ingram was also asked about the possibility of transients banding together and storming the castle, to which he responded, “We took that into consideration. That’s why we’ve installed equipment that will allow employees to siphon boiling oil from the fryers and spray it on would-be intruders. After getting burned a few times, I’m sure they’ll all realize that it’s much more beneficial to pool their change and just buy a crave case.”
The news however, wasn’t met with enthusiasm by all. A quick stop by the White Castle on Larely Parkway yielded numerous critics of the decision. A man known only as Kenny, who hangs out all day in the parking lot, said, “This is really going to put a cramp on my daily schedule. I go in there every morning after I finish my first Mad Dog 20/20 and order two hamburgers. I do the same around lunch time after I finish my third Mad Dog 20/20, only that time I take a shit and bathe in the bathroom sink. Under their new policy I wouldn’t even be allowed to go in there. I’m going to have to start bribing kids to buy them for me… just like I have to do at the liquor stores I’m not allowed into anymore. I just can’t catch a break.”
