America’s Hyperbole Reserve Dangerously Low After Michael Jackson Memorial
Los Angeles, CA – In yet another addition to the list of problems facing the United States, President Obama told reporters today that he is “extremely concerned” about how low America’s hyperbole reserve has become following Tuesday’s memorial service for Michael Jackson.
The somber news was broken at one of Obama’s routine press conferences when he told reporters, “America is in serious danger. When our reserves of hyperbole dip this low we risk losing our position as the greatest nation in the history of the world. Frankly, the timing of Michael’s death could not have been any worse. Between the swine flu pandemic and that story about the softball players carrying that chick around the bases, we’ve run our supply to the bottom of the barrel.”
America’s hyperbole reserves are typically kept at a level that would allow it to last about six months without any replenishing. However, after Magic Johnson and Rev. Al Sharpton spoke at Tuesday’s service, the level dipped to a point where it’s possible the U.S. would last only a few hours before exhausting their supply.
According to an employee at the National Hyperbole Reserve, “The flood gates opened when Magic Johnson stepped to the podium and said, ‘I truly believe that Michael made me a better point guard and basketball player as I watched him be so great, and be the greatest entertainer ever.’ I’ve never seen the place drain so fast. It was almost like the Hoover Dam had burst. Then, as soon as we thought it was over, Sharpton came out and said ‘Michael Jackson made us love each other.’
The shortage has forced the president to impose strict measures on hyperbole consumption. Among them are the temporary postponements of ESPN shows “Around the Horn” and “1st and 10”. ESPN personality Skip Bayless has also been detained and gagged. Point/Counter-point news shows have also been ordered on hiatus as hyperbole is one of the main ingredients of providing 24 hour news.
The shortage will also likely prove to be a burden on taxpayers, as not only will the U.S. be forced to import hyperbole from much more modest and even keel nations like Switzerland, but they will be forced to do so at drastically increased prices as the value of hyperbole skyrocketed as news of the shortage broke.
What I want to know is how all of this effects our collective memory of weird al yankovich? Was he not invited to the ceremony? is MJs work somehow not lacking without the balance provided by Al?
PER AL’S TWITTER:”oh man, can’t believe it, RIP Michael Jackson”
Such as shame, musical genious