The Larely Beagle – The Community Newspaper of Larely, California

Hoffman Estates, IL – In what is sure to become a very high profile case, Kmart, a subsidiary of the Sears Holding Corporation, has filed a lawsuit against Raymond “Rain Man” Babbitt.

The company claims that after “Rain Man”, the 1988 documentary film about Babbit’s life in which he uttered the words “Kmart sucks”, their stock and sales headed into a downward spiral. They claim this spiral resulted in a loss of revenue, continually poor stock performance, the closure of many of its retail stores, and its eventual takeover by Sears Holding Corporation.

A Kmart employee, who wished to remain anonymous, said, “Our founder, Sebastian S. Kresge would have rolled over in his grave if he would have heard all the offensive things that window licker said about the company he [Kresge] worked so hard to build.”

As stated in the lawsuit filed last Friday by the firm Bendini, Lambert and Locke, acting attorney Mitch McDeere said, “Raymond Babbitt slandered Kmart locally, nationally and worldwide when he uttered those now famous words and our company’s performance has suffered ever since.”

Protests outside the Walbrook Hospital where Babbitt resides remained relatively peaceful as laid-off former Kmart employees gathered carrying signs that read “Raymond is a Card Counter” and “Who’s on first?”. However, things escalated slightly when patients at the hospital started chanting “Hot water burn baby!” and hurling smoke detectors at the crowd of former employees.

Raymond Babbitt was not available for comment because he was out driving slow on the driveway. However, his representative, who wished only to be referred to as “Vern” had this prepared statement: “Raymond, who only heard about this frivolous lawsuit on 97X, BAM!! The Future of Rock and Roll, feels he definitely is not at fault for the substandard quality in Kmart’s products over the years and plans to file a counter suit. Furthermore, Raymond would like to go on record and say that he only buys his size 32 Hanes boxer shorts from the Kmart located at 400 Oak St. in Cincinnati.”

Vern also said that Mr. Babbitt will be recording this lawsuit in his red book as a “serious injury” and is looking forward to bringing his case before Wapner.