The Larely Beagle – The Community Newspaper of Larely, California

White Cloud, Heaven – After just three days in heaven, Billy Mays has already made a name for himself after he used Fix It!, the fast action scratch remover to remove a nagging scratch that had been on the pearly gates for years.

According to St. Peter, “The scratch had been there since Nick ‘Goose’ Bradshaw attempted to do a fly-by on his way into heaven. I told him the pattern was full, but he insisted on doing it anyway. During the stunt, the very tip of his wing grazed one of the gates, leaving an unsightly scratch on it. I had been meaning to get it fixed for a while, but every time I got a bid on it, it came back in the hundreds of dollars. I just couldn’t justify spending that kind of money on it.”

Exemplifying one of the traits that helped get him into heaven, Mays wasn’t even asked to fix the scratch. Apparently he just noticed it on his way in and got to work on it as soon as he was able track down a power buffer. According to others in the waiting line of Heaven, Mays walked up to the gate, applied Fix It! to the scratch, used the power buffer to push it’s high tech formula deep into the surface of the gates, then used St. Peter’s flowing robe to wipe it away, revealing a gate that looked as good as new!

Mays said, “Helping people was always my passion, and that doesn’t change in the afterlife. Plus, I know how scratches, dings, and nicks can drive people crazy. It really isn’t that big of a deal though, because with Fix It!, the fast action scratch remover from Simoniz, fixing that scratch was as easy as 1-2-3!”

The witnesses also said that St. Peter asked if he could hang on to the Fix It! in case the gates were scratched again in the future. Mays, who couldn’t have looked any happier told St. Peter “Of course, and since you asked just now, I’ll also throw in the power buffer, the soft touch pads, and a micro fiber polishing cloth.”

St. Peter began to say “Thank You”, but before he could finish, Mays added, “Wait just a second though, I’m also going to throw in the Simoniz turbo vac! It’s a car vacuum with the muscle to pick up any mess (a $30 value).”