58 Dead in Larely After Subway Hijacking Mistaken for “Taking of Pelham 123″ Promotion
Larely, CA – The city of Larely is having to answer some serious questions today after 58 people were killed when a bomb was detonated on a subway car just east of Larely Parkway. Apparently, the incident was a hijacking-for-ransom attempt that went bad after neither police nor a hostage negotiator were sent to the scene because the incident was believed to be a promotional stunt for the newly released movie “The Taking of Pelham 123”.
According to records, 911 received over forty calls from people on the train when the hijacking first occurred, but the dispatchers in Calcutta were told by Larely Mayor Vern Bixler not to send police. Bixler felt that the hijacking was most likely a promotional stunt designed to help boost sagging box office numbers for the “The Taking of Pelham 123”, a movie from Columbia Pictures and director Tony Scott. The movie, which is about the hijacking of a subway train, is a remake of the 1974 film of the same title and its box office numbers have been a little less than they were projected to be.
During a press conference held at city hall, Bixler told reporters, “My bad on this one. I heard the news and just figured with the movie out and not quite living up to expectations they were trying to advertise with new methods. I’ve heard a lot of people say the best way to reach kids these days is with guerilla marketing, I guess I just assumed that’s what this was.” Further recognizing his own mistake, Bixler also wrote “Assume” on a white board, then put two slashes in it to create “Ass/u/me” and said, “When you assume things, it makes an ass out of you and me, but in this case I made in ass out of 58 others and myself.”
Families of the victims are predictably upset as they feel these deaths would never have occurred had Mayor Bixler been more proactive about disarming the situation. Marge Willette, who lost her husband Henry in the bombing, sobbed and shook her head saying, “He should have erred on the side of caution. If he had, maybe Henry and fifty seven others would be with us right now.” Willette says she is planning on filing suit against both Bixler and city of Larely so she can get some closure on the matter.
When told of Willette’s opinion, Mayor Bixler said, “She may have a valid point, but hindsight is always 20/20. Plus, after looking at her husband’s DMV photo, it’s evident that she could have done much better. Hopefully this will be her springboard into doing just that. This is the first day of the rest of her life.”
