The Larely Beagle – The Community Newspaper of Larely, California

Larely, CA – In a move that is slated to save the city of Larely up to $5 million a year, Mayor Vern Bixler announced today that Larely’s 911 call center has been outsourced to Calcutta, India.

Bixler hailed the decision saying, “This is a great day for the city of Larely. The 911 call centers here have been bilking the city out of hard collected tax dollars for years. Today, we united and took a stand against it.”

The idea to outsource was first purposed by Bixler after he conducted a study that showed employing emergency dispatchers that are stationed locally and familiar with the area only made a difference in 78% of calls. According to Bixler, “The findings shocked me when I realized that we were just pissing money away 22% of the time and the good citizens of Larely didn’t elect me as Mayor to sit by and do nothing.”

Along with his excitement, Bixler also asked the public to bear with the system, as there is bound to be a few transitional pains created by the switch over. “During our trial runs, admittedly there were a few hiccups.” Bixler said. “For instance, a person called to report a cat burglar in their home and the new dispatchers sent animal control over. Another call involving a heart attack had the S.W.A.T. team dispatched instead of an ambulance. However, both myself and the city council felt that those were mistakes that anyone could make. Our preliminary figures suggest that only 40-50 deaths will occur due to errors in communication between the dispatchers and the emergency service vehicles. After that, the system should run like the well-oiled machine it’s designed to be. And you know what? Those 40-50 people will be heroes in my book.”

Larely’s outsourcing of its 911 has also garnered a lot of national attention, as many cities are considering taking the same measures should Larely’s implementation be successful. In fact, Dave Bing, the newly elected mayor of Detroit, said his city may follow suit even before Larely proves it can be done successfully.

When interviewed about it, Bing said, “Let’s face it, Detroit’s 911 centers couldn’t be any worse. Somehow, our 911 will ring busy 40% of the time. I didn’t even know that could happen. So, from where I sit, I figure we may as well save some money and pay people a hell of a lot less to do the same poor job, right?”