Spread Eagle Named Official City Bird of Larely
Larely, CA – Larely residents who packed the atrium of Triplet Pines Mall today for mayor Bixler’s announcement of Larely’s new official city bird were treated to a pleasant surprise today when it was revealed that the spread eagle had won the contest.
The announcement was eagerly awaited by nearly all Larely residents and concludes two months of voting by Larely’s residents, who have been without a city bird since all Valley Quails in the area were exterminated during an avian flu scare last year.
Larely mayor Vern Bixler, who could hardly contain his joy at the result, addressed the crowd saying, “Though it may not show up in your Audubon Bird Watching guide, the spread eagle is indigenous to strip clubs, bondage rooms, hip-hop videos and figure skating rinks, and I know for a fact that they are plentiful and thriving in our great city.”
For those readers less familiar with the bird, spread eagles are not at all dangerous to humans. In fact according to Roger Kinzel, an Ornithology professor at UC-Larely, spread eagles and humans typically get along very well. “Humans and spread eagles have a great history of friendly interaction with one another. In fact, the only complaint we typically hear is that they can be a little annoying and persistent and won’t leave you alone until you throw a dollar bill at them.”
Bixler also said that with the spread eagle receiving nearly 300,000 votes, the contest was a runaway. In fact, the homing pigeon, which was runner-up, received only 167 votes
Residents also wanted Bixler to reassure them that should another avian flu scare occur, the city would wait for more information to come in before they exterminate all of the spread eagles.
Bixler happily agreed saying, “The incident with the Quails was unfortunate indeed. However, no resident of Larely need be worried about contracting avian flu from a spread eagle, as they are not transmitters of the disease. However, that doesn’t mean caution shouldn’t be exercised, as inappropriate action with a spread eagle can result in syphilis or the clap.”
