Pope Denounces “Angels and Demons” for Being Shitty Movie
Vatican City – Standing in his usual library window overlooking St. Peter’s Square (Piazza San Pietro), Pope Benedict XVI addressed a crowd of over 100,000 people today to denounce the movie “Angels and Demons” for being shitty.
In his statement, he cited concerns over massive plot changes from the book that he felt made the story much weaker. “It was evident from the get-go that we were going to be watching a shitty movie that had no plans to stick closely to the book.” the Pope said. “The decision not to include Langdon’s flight to CERN aboard the X33 High Speed Civil Transport (HSCT) that goes mach fifteen and runs on hydrogen slush was an egregious error, and as soon as I saw that, my blood began to boil.”
The Pope also made it clear that he wasn’t advocating a “no change” policy in relation to the book. “I’m not saying there shouldn’t have been any changes made to the story. I completely understand the elimination of Vittoria’s kidnapping and near-rape, after all, it is a summer blockbuster that the studio wants entire families to see. Also, making Ewan McGregor’s character Irish instead of Italian was necessary, because it’s much more accommodating to his Scottish accent. However that doesn’t excuse the other plot atrocities that were carried out.”
Perhaps the change the drew the most ire from the Pope was the decision to keep the fourth Cardinal, Cardinal Baggia, alive rather than having him drown in Bernini’s fountain. “The fact that Cardinal Baggia lived to the end of the story set the course of the movie in a whole new shitty direction. It should never have happened. He was supposed to perish and Mortati was to become the new pope.”
That change also appears to be the straw that broke the camel’s back, as it led Pope Benedict to take drastic actions. At the end of the address he told the crowd very bluntly, “As the current Pope, these terrible plot decisions leave me no choice to but denounce this movie and demand that other Roman Catholics do not see this film.”
Sony Pictures, who produced the movie, was not commenting at this time, but sources say they are frantically trying to figure out just exactly who greenlighted so many plot changes.
