Michael Vick Released from Prison to Give Americans a Break from Brett Favre Coverage
Leavenworth, KS – In a move designed to give Americans a much needed respite from stories about Brett Favre’s possible NFL comeback, former Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick was released from a federal penitentiary today.
Harley G. Lappin, who is the Director of the Federal Bureau of Prisons, said that Vick’s release needed to be processed because he didn’t think America could handle any more Favre coverage. “It was getting to the point where it was starting to take its toll on the country. Employees were more agitated than normal, the stock markets weren’t bouncing back like they should have been… everyone was just in a funk. After hours upon hours of painstaking research, we found that it was all the result of being continuously bombarded by this endless Brett Favre saga. For the people of this country, putting up with day after day of speculation and rumor had begun to choke the life out them.”
Because of these findings, Lappin made the tough decision. “We knew if we were going to wipe the Favre stories off the newspapers we’d have to fight fire with fire. And unfortunately, the only other NFL story that could bump Favre off the front page would be Michael Vick’s release. Because of that, I made the difficult decision to go ahead and release him.”
Lappin also wanted people to know that the release wasn’t a result of preferential treatment as “Vick only had four months left on his sentence, and America needed to be Favre-less more than it needed Michael Vick in prison for sixteen more weeks, trust me. Plus, if the Favre stories return to their previous level, perhaps we’ll plant something on Vick that violates his parole and requires him to come back to our lovely facility.”
Lappin was also ecstatic that the decision created the exact result they were hoping for. “Favre stories came to a virtual stand still. Plus, ESPN’s ‘Favre Machine’ consisting of ‘PTI’, ‘Around the Horn’, and ‘NFL Live’ didn’t even address the subject. I guess questions about whether or not Brett will go see Dr. James Andrews will have to wait for another time. American won big today!”
Vick, who has served 19 months in prison on a dogfighting conviction is headed back to Hampton, VA where he will serve two months in home confinement. He is expected to begin doing construction work after his home confinement ends and hopes to be reinstated by the NFL.
