Opinion: Pontiac Actually Died in 2002 with Discontinuation of Firebird Trans-Am
News outlets spent a lot of time this week covering GM’s announcement that they intend to phase out the Pontiac brand by the end of 2010. Lots of front page ink was devoted to mourning its loss and analyzing what the impact will be for General Motors and the American auto industry. However, if you ask me Pontiac has been dead since 2002, the year they discontinued the Firebird Trans-Am.
Now, for those readers out there that haven’t brushed up on their “Sweet Fucking Car History” lately, the Firebird is the sweetest fucking car ever built and the Trans-Am was a specialty package for the Firebird that upgraded handling, suspension, and horsepower. It also infinitely upped the kick-assity of the hoods, spoilers, and wheels from those of a standard Firebird.
I realize some of you are probably wondering how a few modifications can make a car that much better. For that, I offer you this explanation: The Firebird is like a beautiful pair of tits, and the Trans-Am is like a beautiful pair of fake tits. They’re both pretty awesome, but perfection can only be achieved through countless hours of work by skilled professionals.
The two best things about driving a Firebird Trans-Am were that it was fast as hell and it got you pussy on a first date. In fact, the day I picked up my 1985 305 4 barrel H.O. was the day I met and nailed my first ex-wife. She got in my car after I smoked her mustang driving boyfriend in a drag race. I suppose I should also mention that Trans-Am’s handled so well you could drive them when you were absolutely shitfaced and not need to worry.
These cars were the crown jewel of Pontiac, and when they announced in 2002 that they were being discontinued, grown men all over America wept like bitches. To cope, I had to go on a five day bender and nail anything that moved.
After I sobered up from that bender, Pontiac was dead to me. So you’ll have to excuse me when I don’t lose any sleep over them being phased out of production.
Note: The views expressed in Op/Ed pieces are the views of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of The Larely Beagle, except for in cases like this where the author is one of the few people with the stones to call out Pontiac for discontinuing a sweet fucking car.
