Larely’s First Annual “Self Storage Amnesty Day” a Huge Success
Larely, CA – Carrying everything from severed heads and limbs to mattresses with the tags removed, citizens of Larely turned out in overwhelming numbers to participate in Larely’s first Annual “Self Storage Amnesty Day” this past Wednesday.
The program, which was the brainchild of Larely mayor Vern Bixler, allowed residents of Larely to turn over any questionable items from their self storage units with no questions asked.
“I wanted people to have a chance to wipe the slate clean.” said Bixler, “If they accidentally killed someone years ago and have been keeping them sealed inside a barrel in a storage shed, I can only imagine the nervousness and guilt they must feel on a daily basis. I’m sure it impacts their job performance as well, which ends up hurting the city of Larely in the end. By offering them amnesty, these people can start to get on with the rest of their lives and begin making positive contributions to our city.”
Charlie Mark Coyle, who was dropping off the internal organs of two hikers he murdered last year, was ecstatic saying, “Mayor Bixler was right. Ever since I killed these two guys my life has been straight out of Edgar Allan Poe’s ‘The Tell-Tale Heart’. If I go anywhere near my storage unit I really start to freak out. Being able to drop these items off with no questions asked will eliminate all the stress in my life and allow me to focus on being the best guidance counselor I can be.”
Bill Jacobs, who owns A-OK Self Storage on Larely Parkway also hailed the success of the event saying, “The best and worst part about self storage is the fact that you have no idea what’s in these units, especially since 90% of my customers pay cash and are named John Smith. Hell, I once opened a unit up because the renter was delinquent and inside was a god damn rhinoceros completely covered in Astro-Glide, and also an old Nordic Track machine. Days like this one go along way toward encouraging customers to purge their units of questionable materials as well cleaning up the image of the self storage industry.”
The day also ended up having a very personal impact on Mayor Bixler, who was reunited with an old slot machine he once owned. “It was stolen when our house was burglarized, and apparently a guy who was running a Casino in one of his units decided to close up shop and move to Florida, so now it’s mine once again. I tell you, it’s happy stories like this that make you realize that we’re doing a great thing here.”
