The Larely Beagle – The Community Newspaper of Larely, California

Outside the Tasty Freeze, Heartland, USA – In a depressing sign of just how bad the economy has gotten, John Mellencamp announced today that these current economic times are just too depressing for even him to sing about.

In a statement that was released on his website, Mellencamp said, “A few years back I may have had the energy to take all of this negativity and turn it into a highly evocative song that took the money wasting fat cats to task for their irresponsible ways. However, those days are behind me and I no longer have the energy to do anything but live the simple life while banging the hell out of my supermodel wife. I appreciate all your support during this difficult time. John.”

The news is yet another blow to the morale of the American people, who have been enduring tough economic times since early 2008.

People all over the country have been hit hard by the news. Frank Stevens, who has worked at the GM assembly plant located in Arlington, TX for over 30 years lamented, “First we find out today that our plant is going to be temporarily closed for nine weeks, now this. It’s almost too much to bear. I’ve been through recessions before, but at least during those you could count on Mellencamp helping you through the tough times by releasing a new record that was able to take all of your feelings and put them to music.”

The announcement could also hurt the economy even further, as Dr. Linus Powell, an economics professor at UC-Larely, contends that in the past, Mellencamp’s records have actually helped bring the United States out of recessions more quickly. “On the heels of the ’80-’82 recession, which was caused largely by the Iranian Revolution that sharply increased the price of oil around the world, Mellencamp released the album American Fool, which contained the #1 hits “Hurts So Good” and “Jack and Diane”. It’s no coincidence that soon after the album’s release, inflation fell from 10.3% to 3.2%.”

Powell continued, “And that isn’t the only instance. In 1990, he released the album “Whenever We Wanted”, which contained the hits “Get A Leg Up” and “Again Tonight”. Once more, it was no coincidence that soon after the album’s release, consumer confidence and spending grew sharply and lifted us out of recession. Now, knowing that we’re in the midst of another recession and there isn’t another Mellencamp album on the horizon, I’m very, very worried about our country’s future.”