Todd McShay Makes it Seven Full Minutes Without Wishing he was Mel Kiper, Jr.
Bristol, CT – With only three days before the 2009 NFL draft, few people are logging more hours at work these days than Todd McShay. McShay, who is a College Football Insider with the ESPN network, needs to know the incoming class of NFL players like the back of his hand so that he is able to recall all of a player’s information as the draft takes place.
However, as he absorbs statistic after statistic, McShay is also busy doing one other thing: wishing he was Mel Kiper, Jr., who has served as an analyst for ESPN’s draft coverage since 1984 and is the unquestioned leader when it comes to the NFL draft.
According to McShay, “I usually find myself wishing I was Mel about twice a minute. Let’s face it, nobody puts together a four round mock draft like he does. I mean, his having USC OLB Brian Cushing going to the Houston Texans with the fifteen pick is abso-fucking-lutely brilliant!”
It’s that wishing that set the table for an all-time shocker to happen today in Bristol. As McShay was sitting in the make-up chair preparing to debate John Clayton about the NFL readiness of Texas DE Brian Orakpo, he made it a full seven minutes without wishing he was Mel Kiper, Jr., which left him absolutely flabbergasted.
“When I looked at my watch and noticed it was 5:38, I realized I hadn’t wished I was Mel since I saw him gracefully analyzing game film of Boston College DT B.J. Raji at 5:31. I didn’t know what to do, I was in absolute shock.”
McShay elaborated further, saying, “From the haircut, to the way he memorizes 40 times, to the way pumps his confidential sources for information, I just wish I could be him. You know the movie ‘Being John Malkovich’? Well, I wish there was portal into Mel’s head so I could see the world how Mel Kiper, Jr. sees it. To think all of that desire left me for seven full minutes is almost impossible to grasp.”
McShay, who came to ESPN via talent evaluation company Scouts, Inc, can also be seen frequently debating Kiper on ESPN, though he admits it’s quite a challenge. “Honestly, it’s the most difficult thing I ever have to do. When I don’t get lost in his eyes he usually wows me with a piece of draft information that’s so confidential, he’s probably risking his life by talking about it.”
The admiration is apparently a one-way street however, as Kiper, when asked for comment about McShay, said, “You mean that prick they’re allegedly grooming to take my job? Fuck him. You tell him that every time I do a mock draft of the biggest sluts in the world, his mom is always the first overall pick.”
