Denver Bars Brace for Arrival of Kyle Orton
Denver, CO – Bars all over Denver are bracing for the upcoming arrival of new Broncos quarterback Kyle Orton, who was recently acquired [along two first round picks] in a trade with the Chicago Bears. Orton will replace previous Denver quarter back Jay Cutler, who after being so upset by being involved in trade rumors, demanded to be traded.
Orton, who has a career record of 21-12 as a starting QB, brings not only his gritty right arm to the mile high city, but also his all-pro liver that is rumored to be a crafty, grizzled veteran that will take down any alcoholic beverage that crosses its path.
It’s that reputation that has Denver frantically prepping and bracing for his arrival. In an effort to make things transition smoothly, Mayor John Hickenlooper has been issuing liquor licenses to any establishment that applies for them, even bestowing liquor serving privileges upon a few children’s day care centers in the city. Hickenlooper justified the decision by saying, “We know we’ve got a storm coming, and just as cities build up sandbag dykes in preparation of floods, we are prepping by making sure Orton will have easy access to alcohol no matter where he is.”
While Chicago may not miss Orton on Sundays, they damn sure will miss him Monday through Saturday, as sales of alcohol at bars is expected to decrease almost 20% without him around.
Chicago Mayor Richard Daley said he was especially sad to see Orton go, as the city’s nightlife industry will be taking a rather large hit. “The great thing about Kyle wasn’t so much his work on the field, but rather his work off of it. We knew that not only were we taxing the hell out of his paycheck, but a good percentage of his take home pay made it back into the Chicago economy as it was exchanged for copious amounts of alcohol.”
If Denver is unable to accommodate Orton’s needs, football insiders speculate that he will live in the city of Golden and commute. Peter Swinburn, the CEO of Coors Brewing Company, which is located in Golden, has already offered to build Orton a 10,000 square foot home inside the brewing complex. “We’ve made Kyle an excellent offer, and I think the prospect of a conveyor belt shooting 30-packs of Keystone Ice past him at the rate of 500 per minute really had an impact on him.”
Orton is expected to arrive in Denver within the next two weeks and join the team for Mini-camp.
Absolutely well written!