Al Gore Warns that at Current Pace, All Mana Will Be Tapped By Year 2030
Washington, D.C. – Former U.S. Vice President Al Gore stirred up another environmental controversy yesterday when, during a speech commemorating Earth Day, he revealed that at the current pace, all mana on Earth would be tapped by the year 2030.
Gore, who has long warned the world of the global warming crisis, gave an elaborate demonstration before a packed house at UC-Larely’s Clint Howard Auditorium in which he told the crowd, “We are tapping our mana without thought to what we have in our hands, and our health is low. In fact, if today we were to be attacked by an 8/8 flying creature with trample, the human race would not survive! ”
Mana, of course, is energy available in the form of lands. Nerds and dorks are familiar with mana as it is used in the popular trading card game Magic the Gathering [MTG]. In MTG, the lands [mana] can be activated or “tapped” by simply turning the mana card ninety degrees so that it rests horizontally. In the game, you are able to “untap” all of your lands during your untap phase at the beginning of your upkeep, and all of your mana is available again.
Such is not the case in the real world, where once your mana is tapped, it stays tapped. This is largely due to the Human Nature Enchantment which skips our own untap phase. A lot of land has been tapped due largely to urban sprawl and the rapid building of new Planned Parenthood Clinics approved by our new liberal president. At the rate in which global civilization is expanding, Gore told the crowd that the entirety of mana on this planet would be tapped and unavailable by the year 2030, if not before.
However, Gore also assured the crowd that the process was not inevitable as “these lands could be untapped through safe, renewable sources of energy.”
No one can say with any real assurance what would happen if the all of Earth’s mana was to become tapped. However, top scientists believe that without renewable energy, Earth’s civilizations would crumble and chaos would rule the Earth. Top nerds speculate that perhaps Earth’s safety lies in heavy investments of white protection enchantments, blue counters to interrupt harmful spells and abilities, and green creatures to defend us.
Gore is rumored to be recruiting dweebs, dorks, geeks and nerds from all over the world to put together a team to help save humanity. The team members will be highly skilled in Magic the Gathering strategy and will work to come up with a plan to stop uselessly tapping mana and work on protecting ourselves by creating our very own “untap phase” right after our upkeep starts.
