Breaking, Shocking, Astounding News: 23 Year Old Likes to Smoke Weed!
People all over the world totally lost their shit this past Monday when it was revealed that a twenty three year old kid likes smoking weed! A few cities even shut down because people’s feelings of disbelief prevented them from making it to work.
The damage was especially hard on the DOW Jones Industrial Average, where stocks absolutely plummeted due to shattered consumer confidence. Many stock analysts also voiced their concerns about being unable to tell if and when things will bounce back. In fact, according to analyst Gil Lofton, “The American public hasn’t been steamrolled with a surprise like this since Clay Aiken came out of the closet, and frankly, I’m worried enough that I plan on going to the grocery store on my way home tonight so that I can stock up on canned goods and bottled water.”
Even more awful is that this poisonous shockwave has spread to the point where it is threatening the purity of the American household.
Nancy Freeman, a 49 year old stay-at-home Mom hasn’t been able to do anything for days. “I just don’t know what to do anymore. You live your life a certain way and then one day this terrible news just swoops in and ruins everything you thought you knew. I mean, marijuana of all things. I thought everyone knew better than to mess with that awful stuff. What’s next? Am I going to start hearing that twenty three year old kids are engaging in premarital sex as well?”
Fellow parent Sally Reuter agreed with Freeman, fighting through the tears to say, “When I was twenty three, I had already been married for six years and was working on my third kid. To think that this degenerate is out on the streets today makes me want to lock my children in the house. What is our world coming to?”
Police all across the country have been advising people to leave their houses only when necessary, as this particular twenty three year old is presumed to be out robbing people to support his habit. Many cities have also enacted a 7 PM curfew to make sure their children remain safe.
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