Kurt Warner Skipping Super Bowl to Attend Church Service
Tampa, FL – The Arizona Cardinals’ hopes to win a Super Bowl title this year were dealt a very serious blow today when starting quarterback Kurt Warner announced that he would be skipping the Super Bowl on Sunday in order to attend church services.
The announcement, which was made by Warner during his media session, came as an absolute shocker for the Arizona Cardinals, who have defied the odds and made it to the title game where they will face the Pittsburgh Steelers.
In the session, Warner told reporters, “It’s really nice to have gotten this far. But to be quite honest, I’ve already got a Super Bowl ring and I just don’t think trying to win another one warrants me missing a church service on Sunday. I know a lot of the guys on the team will feel like I’m letting them down, but I have to answer to a higher authority.” Warner went on to add that he would rather go back to stocking shelves at a grocery store then play on Sunday and risk his spiritual health.
Ken Whisenhunt, the head coach of the Cardinals was clearly taken aback by the situation, and when asked what his new game plan would be, he offered, “Well, Matt Leinart is technically our backup quarterback, but since we arrived in Tampa he’s been living over at the Mons Venus strip club. I sent [quarterback coach] Jeff Rutledge over there to check on him and apparently he’s been banging strippers like they were USC freshmen. Rutledge said between that, the booze, and the Viagra, Leinart is in no shape to play football. So now this is Brian’s game to win.”
The Brian whom Whisenhunt is referring to is none other than third string quarterback Brian St. Pierre who has thrown only one career pass [an incompletion] in the NFL. St. Pierre, who started the 2001 and 2002 seasons for Boston College says he is more than up to the task of facing the dominant Steelers defense. “When I decided to come here after being cut by the Steelers, it was mostly because no one else wanted to sign me. However, it was also because coach Whisenhunt told me that he had complete faith in my game and that I was the first guy he’d want out on the field if our other two guys got hurt. I don’t intend to let him down.”
The oddsmakers in Las Vegas also scrambled at the announcement, moving the line of the game from Steelers -7 to Steelers -18.
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