Study: Pontiac Fiero Totally Makes Chicks Wet!
Larely, CA – The Biology Department of UC-Larely made headlines today when Professor Mary Sontenberg released her study that found, without a shred of doubt, that Pontiac Fieros have the ability to totally make chicks wet.
The Pontiac Fiero, which was manufactured from 1984 to 1988, has long been rumored to hold a special power over females, but this is the first study to offer concrete evidence to the fact.
As part of the study, chicks from ages 18-45 were hooked up to equipment that measured heart rate and also rate of breath. They were then shown pictures of numerous different automobiles and asked a variety of questions. All in all, 98% of chicks experienced an increase in heart rate and also began taking shorter, quicker breaths when the picture of the Fiero was shown. The chicks, when asked to describe their feeling toward the picture, all echoed similar sentiments that though they weren’t sure why, something about the Fiero made them feel warm and flush on their face, neck, and chest. Almost all of them also remarked that the Fiero seemed to totally make them wet.
When pressed for possible explanations for the correlation, Sontenberg answered, “There seems to be a couple reasons. First, the Fiero’s fiberglass paneling seems to possess a certain power of entrancement. It seems the way light reflects off them just naturally captivates people, much like burning embers in a campfire. Secondly, it’s no secret that chicks love danger, and the Fiero’s reputation for engine fires plays right into that.”
Sontenberg had the idea for the study when, while chatting with some girl friends, she found that every single one of them had slept with at least three different guys that drove Fieros. “It was such a ‘Eureka!’ moment for me. I just knew that there must be something about a Fiero that just totally makes a chick wet. So I decided to check into it some more. Sure enough, the more we started asking people, everyone remembered the guy they went to high school with that drove a Fiero. And most also people referred to that guy as ‘the guy who pulled more box than anyone at school’”.
Sontenberg took her idea to Leslie Hyde, the Biology Department Head, and was able to secure approval and funding, as Hyde had also slept with a few men who drove Fieros.
Sontenberg will begin a five city tour to present her findings beginning next month.
Engine fires gets me excited. It really makes my italian blood boil.