Atlantic Ocean Dries Up After Freighter Carrying Shipment of ShamWows Capsizes
Laurentian Abyss, Atlantic Ocean – Planet Earth has found itself in the midst of an environmental crisis today after a freighter ship packed to the gills with a shipment of ShamWows capsized and soaked up the entire Atlantic Ocean.
Once the world’s second largest ocean with an area of 41 million square miles, the Atlantic Ocean has now been reduced to nothing more than a rocky terrain littered with millions upon millions of dead, rotting sea animals.
Marine biologists and geologists are frantic, claiming that the sudden draining of the Atlantic Ocean will be catastrophic to life on Earth. Terry Greene, a marine geologist who was studying pelagic deposits near the Puerto Rico Trench agrees with the theory saying, “Having all that water trapped inside the ShamWows will irreparably damage the water cycle. Water will no longer evaporate from the ocean and create clouds, which empty in the form of precipitation over land and create much of the fresh water that keeps organisms, including humans, alive. This event is going to be catastrophic for life as we know it.”
Vince Offer, who appears in commercials for the ShamWow, disagrees with Greene. Offer claims that, “Today’s events, while unexpected, have really left people saying ‘wow’ in regards to the ShamWow. Now that they’ve seen what the ShamWow is capable of, they won’t hesitate to use it on the house, the car, the boat, and the RV. It’s the best publicity we could have asked for. And now that this has happened, we will be working with countries all over the world to find a way to wring out the ShamWows and give the water back to the ocean.”
While this obviously isn’t the first time a freighter ship carrying textiles has capsized in the Atlantic Ocean, the fact that this particular freighter was carrying ShamWows, which are like a chamois, towel, and sponge all in one, is what sets this incident apart from the others and allowed the ocean to be completely drained.
The ShamWows, which are made in Germany [note from Vince: You know the Germans always make good stuff.], were being shipped to the United States so that they could be sold at Pamida, Ben Franklin, and Wal-Mart. However, the ship got caught in a storm that generated near hurricane force winds and it capsized. The crew was feared dead until a helicopter flew overhead and saw them resting comfortably atop the pile of ShamWows.
Well played, sir. I don’t think you would be overplaying the classic infomercials if you spoofed a “snuggie” it would be so topical. I almost pissed myself when I read this article’s title.