Coors Light to Release New Shotgunnable Can with Second Tab on Side

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By • Jan 8th, 2009 • Section: World

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Golden, CO – The Coors Brewing Company announced today that they will soon begin offering Coors Light in a new “shotgunnable can” that will feature a second tab on its side to allow for easy shotgunning.

With the innovation, Coors is aiming to rid binge drinkers of the tedious burden of searching for the air pocket in a can of beer before it’s punctured, as well as eliminate the possibility of a punctured beer spraying out all its beer before it can be shotgunned.

The can is expected to have a large impact on the canned beer market and is one of the first large-scale attempts to court binge drinkers, who spend hundreds of millions of dollars on cheap beer every year.

“While our current wide-mouth vented can does allow the beer leave the can more quickly and create a smooth, refreshing pour, it doesn’t seem to satisfy the customer that prefers to have the beer shot down his throat.” said Coors Brewing Company CEO Peter Swinburn.  “That’s why we’ve created this new can.  When used in cooperation with the traditional tab located at the top of the can, the shotgunnable can will completely empty its contents in a matter of seconds.”

When asked by a reporter if the can was magic, Swinburn just chuckled and said, “No, it’s mostly just gravity and pressure change and I can’t even begin to tell you how much it means to me that this happened under my watch here at Coors.”

While Coors had been criticized in the past for cheap gimmicks like having a frost brewed liner and a wide-mouth vented can, reception for the shotgunnable can has been overwhelmingly positive and binge drinkers around the country have been raving at its practicality.  Steve Tucker, who is national president of the Omicron Iota Upsilon fraternity noted, “It’s about time a beer company listened to the concerns of its customers and crafted a product specifically intended to resolve any complaints they may have.”

Tucker also preordered 1,500 cases of the Coors Light with shotgunnable cans so that he can distribute them amongst its chapters around the country.  After placing the order, he seemed to be fighting back tears as he added, “If there’s canned beer in heaven, it’s definitely served in shotgunnable cans.”

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79 Responses »

  1. This is very disappointing.
    Great concept, but Coors Light?
    Way better with Coors.
    And, what if the Belgian brewers start doing this? Shotgunning a liter of Chimay Ale! Awesome.

  2. The Banquet Beer is way too classy to shotgun! I do love me some Chimay Rouge, though.

  3. [...] Shotgun Cans Bob 1′s Blog-cast [...]

  4. [...] Coors Light to Release New Shotgunnable Can with Second Tab on Side [...]

  5. [...] is introducing a shotgunnable can. Okay..not really. It’s a parody. Clever [...]

  6. There is a god…

  7. You know, as the President of a Fraternity, I cannot see how any self-respecting Fraternity would purchase “1500 cases to disburse to chapters across the nation”. This violates the Alcohol Policy that almost every Fraternity has. With a quick search of the North-American Interfraternity Conference’s website, and a quick Google search, I cannot seem to find an Omicron Iota Upsilon registered anywhere, and no information on this “Steve Tucker” beyond what is listed on this article. I’m really glad that the author took it upon himself to deface Fraternities nationwide by making up this claim.

  8. This is just a joke.
    [ ..That’s why we’ve created this new can. When used in cooperation with the traditional tab located at the top of the can, the shotgunnable can will completely empty its contents in a matter of seconds.”...]

    Takes some coordination to pop the tab, turn the can, pop another tab but only when it is facing straight up and then go. Way to many instructions to even be real.

  9. Stella! Steeelllllllllllllaaaaaaa! (Artois).

  10. wow, it would be interesting to see, but no company would ever do that in real life.

  11. seriously jason? defacing fraternities? between partying and date rape i think they do that enough on their own.
    lets not forget hazing. were you hazed?
    cause if you can take a dick you can take a joke.
    laugh at the funny parody article and move on with your life.

  12. Okay, article is funny, but I figured I could read this and find some funny respones. Whoever the hell Jason is, god you are a tool. You should change to “As a leader of a homosexual fraternity where we are homos” because if you think a joke about fraternities and drinking is funny, you’re frat is gay. And I was in a fraternity. We partied like rockstars. Work hard/play hard.

  13. dear jason:

    if your fraternity falls into the rare category of respectably behaved non-drunk-frat-dudes fraternities, you have a branding and identity problem to blame, not the author of this article. you shouldn’t be called a fraternity if you don’t want the association.

    i was in a fraternity. we drank a LOT, we puked, we did dumbass stuff. it was terrific. 95% of the fraternities i’ve been around fall in this category.

    the article is a joke. its funny. yank the pole out of your ass and lighten up and drink a beer. or just cease to interact with the world, eliminating the risk of being offended by the slightest fucking mouse fart.

    thank you very little. this was fun.

  14. Jason you are the reason people think lowly of fraternities

  15. Dear Jason,

    I just wanted to make sure it is OK if I blow my load in your eye later, as planned.

    “With a quick search of the North-American Interfraternity Conference’s website, and a quick Google search, I cannot seem to find an Omicron Iota Upsilon registered anywhere, and no information on this “Steve Tucker” beyond what is listed on this article”

    What a D-bag.

    Sincerely,

    Your mom

  16. ok, yes jason is wrong, but i think whats wrong with this line of ridicule is miss aimed. Look my problem comes with the first comment.

    dave, listen man, if this was really made and not a joke, coors is the only kind of beer that you would want it to come out for. The idea of shotgunning a actual enjoyable beer just speaks to your lack of understanding of beer, or your lack of taste in beer. the whole idea behind shotgunning beer is to get cheap, shitty beer down as fast as possible. yes it may be a right of passage, but you wouldn’t do it with a heavy logger or ale. slow down, sip and enjoy your good beer, leave the shotgunning to the watered down beers.

  17. Seriously, where the hell does this jason guy go to school? College is all about drinking as much as you can without flunking out. Jason – I hope you have a great college experience not drinking and not hooking up with anybody. Suck it Trebek.

  18. Clearly a joke–and while it’s a pretty awesome idea, a small part of me cringes at the thought of ready-made shotgunning cans. Ernest Hemingway would roll over in his grave at the sight of this–where’s our virility?!! Give me a beer I have to open with a fucking knife–not even to shotgun, just to drink regularly. (Female beers can still come with the pop-top.)

    Frats are sweet, and while this author makes a decent effort to mock the system (duly noted!), he(/she?) lacks some fundamental knowledge of how it works these days (and John, in trying to point that out, got completely roasted). Anyway, as George kind of notes, shotgunning should be primarily limited to the less-expensive bronsons like Coors/Bud/Miller and (even better) cheaper varieties such as Pabst, Natural light, Mil. Best (Beast light!), etc, but one should not shy away from a good man-challenge if one should arise. (And George, by the way, the spelling is “lager”…and Coors is one of them.) For example, maybe you and your drinking partner(s) have been terminating light beer all day, but there are Fat Tire cans in the fridge (yes they make those now). Your friend wants to up the ante and detonate one of these instead, single-barrel style–do not shy away, sir! Or if, in a time when shotgunning beckons, the only beer available is dark and 12.5% abv–do not let desperation stifle your desire! Or if it’d just be funny to see that guy puke, I say encourage the action wholeheartedly.

    Long live beers, frats, and rapid-imbibe techniques. Bobby Lee!

  19. Will sucks balls

  20. Serious? Are you serious? Seriously, are you serious? Seriously, are you fucking serious? Seriously, are you seriously fucking serious?

  21. God I love living in an economy fueled by consumption. I’m pumped, but u gotta wonder if this is the best move for coors. When u explode a beer don’t u almost always have to reach for another. Come on coors ur loading revenue. Shuuuuweeeet

  22. It’s amazing how many people come to a satire news site, and think what they are reading is real. What’s worse are the ignorant, pithy flamewars that come attached. Thanks for linking, Fark.

  23. I like it when humor articles have actual humor in them besides the concept of the article.

    I wish you guys did when you wrote this…and a lot of other articles.

  24. Holy crap this is weak. You’re no Onion, guys.

  25. ” the shotgunnable can will completely empty its contents in a matter of seconds”
    Uhh… since when does shotgunning EVER take longer than a couple of seconds? Sales pitch: fail.

  26. Yeesh & Weak,

    Not sure what qualifies as humor in your life, but the line, “If there’s canned beer in heaven, it’s definitely served in shotgunnable cans.” is pure gold.

    Maybe you should go buy some tickets to a Carrot Top show…he’s got a steamer trunk full of funny for you.

  27. The one thing that he forgot to mention is that the new opening is surrouned by a ‘soft-fill liner’ that not only prevents the bingger from cutting his (or her) mouth but also allow the smaller-dicked f-boys to actually do something other than rub one out at the end of the night. I understand why it wasn’t mentioned at the press conference but it revolutionary in and of itself.

  28. frat guys are faggots

  29. Wow, Coors is officially a respected beer in the eyes of the Beerburglar.  They just announced a new can structure that includes a separate tab for shotgunning beers.

  30. can we get back on the subject of jason the fag please? i mean… seriously… it almost made me sick reading what the dickhead said. what an absolute tool. you suck balls and your “frat” should eat shit and die.

    your friend,

    BUTTcheeks

  31. Oh GDI’s, sorry had to say that.

    Obviously this is fake, made me laugh. Nice burns on the Fraternal system all though, you really outdid yourselves. I mean, shit, you guys are so original. Man Jason must have ruined your day; therefore, you decided to write an angry paragraph about he offended you. “Tool, homosexuals, date rape, dbags,” So much hate, either you guys are jealous of the system (no need really, any college student can hook up, have friends, hangout with girls… its really fucking easy.,) or you just gotta cry about not getting accepted.

    /troll

  32. this is awesome, wish Natural Light would do it. Fuck Chimay.

  33. Dbiggles,

    You are a typical “GDI”…it’s so cute how you guys say that like there is some kind of pride in it or like anybody really gives a shit that you were either (a) too big of a tool for any fraternity to take you or (b) you were too big of a pussy to join. So, now you make fun of the system when secretly you just want to be accepted. Have fun with the foreign exchange students during alumi get together…cool guy

  34. D biggles,

    I bet you and Jason perform ass to mouth every night don’t you? If you weren’t so busy sucking each others shit stained bloody dicks then you would realize that you are a bunch of fucking fags and nothing more.

    Seriously guys, lay off the penis

  35. You are all pathetic!!! I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast!

  36. Jason,
    Is it hard to type with one dick in your ass and another in your mouth, or have you gotten used to it?

  37. GIT ‘R DONE!

  38. hahaha, seriously, Jason your the biggest D-bag on the face of the planet

    “I cannot see how any self-respecting Fraternity would purchase “1500 cases to disburse to chapters across the nation”. This violates the Alcohol Policy that almost every Fraternity has. With a quick search of the North-American Interfraternity Conference’s website, and a quick Google search, I cannot seem to find an Omicron Iota Upsilon registered anywhere, and no information on this “Steve Tucker” beyond what is listed on this article. ”

    Seriously??? you Googled this? you actually did a D-Bag invesigation? i hear the Pentagon is looking into it also so dont worry. hahahahaha. What an asshole

  39. I like shotgunning beers in my butt. Where I’m from its called “Buttgunning”. Sometimes we Buttgun and follow it with a refreshing “Man-gina” chug. Yahtzee!!!

  40. you eat pieces of shit for breakfast?

  41. I have a Huge cock.

  42. Shotgun ready! Jason shotguns my cock juice.

  43. THIS IS A FUCKING OUTRAGE!!!

    i was just woken up with a very disappointing call from a friend from my old school… that coors stole our invention! so i had to see for myself…

    A year and a half ago me, and that friend, thought up this idea! we used to shotgun beers all the time and we began to think… there must be a better way. we looked into buying a patent, but that cost too much for broke college kids.

    we even called numerous beer companies, attempting to talk to someone, anyone, but couldn’t get past the assholes that just answer phones all day. coors was our priority seeing that their cans already have 2 other “drink quickly” innovations: the wide mouth and vent. we were sure they would love this!

    remember those orange juices in a can with the peelable tab? that was how we were going to make this possible. we gave up too easily and too soon… FUCK!

  44. Guys Leave Jay alone he already has some serious self esteam issues and all this stress is making it hard for him to get an erection. So for my sake please leave my little poo piglet alone.

    Sincerly, Jasons bff

  45. MORONS! What’s next beerboarding prisoners?

  46. Jason is a plant, he just quoted Shooter, the bad guy from Happy Gilmore. And his initial post was obviously a joke, who’s retarded enough to post something like that on THIS website? He’s clearly literate, but did not read the entire article? I’m not buying it. I used to do this all the time on my friend’s site, get the trolls and assmonkey lovers all riled up and posting away. That’s what you tards are… assmonkey lovers.

  47. Trust me, Jason is no plant. There’s no shortage of people out there who whiff on jokes and then overreact on the message boards… we don’t need to drum them up.

  48. “I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast!”

    “You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?”

    Thanks guys hahaha this is the queerest message board I have ever seen.

  49. Also, I am a huge sweet-article derailing fag.

  50. I’ll whiff on you, you little bitch, fuck you , Phil.

  51. Amazing

  52. No mention if this will include the Tall Boys. WTF?

  53. Wow,
    This is retarded, takes ALL the skill out of a true shot-gunner.
    It’s all about maintaining those small things to be proud of in the mist of ultimate immaturity.

  54. Frat guys lick jason

  55. and in today’s news….. JASONs still a FAG!!!

  56. Jason….I can’t believe this….
    Uncle John warned me but I didn’t want to believe it. At least your Mom will still love you. Plus, now the two of you can go shopping together.

    Don’t bother calling me,
    Dad

  57. It is like accepting our alcoholism…

    Ha, simply glorious…

  58. I just love men

  59. i wish this was true… and hope it is deep down.

    But thanks for the amazing bash fest on this “jason”

  60. now comes with a second tab for inserting gay cock into.

  61. jason has a vagina

  62. Hello!

    I was wondering if I sent you a few of my products you could write a product review? Check out http://www.nojoke.com I am the inventor of the worlds first key chain and golf divot tool for shotgunning a beer.

    Look forward to hearing from you!

  63. Jason is a the queerest butt fucking homosexual fruit fly pantie wearing fraternity fuckboy of all time. And you know how he got that way? By doing fag ass things like shotgunning shitty frat beer.seriously you people are stupid esp. The jason person. You are a complete tard. Your the reason that when people see frat boys they want to beat the ever loving shit out of them because they are annoying assholes. So do yourself a favor and kill yourself. The fact that you would even believe any of these articles just shows why people believe in the stereotypes that come along with frat kids.

  64. Grow up Coors! Set a good example for the younger generation! Never cared for your product and definately won’t buy it now. Can’t believe what I just read!!!!!

  65. Good Afternoon Gentlemen:
    I have the first original patent application pending ,I do believe it is earlier then the one you are advertising,furthermore let me tell you why my can is superior to the can you are showing photo shopped.My can is titled” Beer can with top and bottom pull tab”s.Benefits are 1)no retooling flip can and stamp another tab on the bottom positioned where the air pocket is.2)your can the consumer would have to fumble like a fool with their thumb to open, who opens a can of beer with a thumb not a woman with nails that’s for sure.Mine you simply use your right index finger and pull down.3)your can can be inadvertently opened during shipping and the tab can be caught on a multitude of objects once in the store including curious consumers spraying beer all over the inventory.My can the tab is on the bottom preferably concealing it from unwanted opening.Retooling is expensive don’t do it buy my can and save big and increase your profits.The side tab was second to the bottom from an engineering standpoint if you are going to do it do it right.Use mine.I can be reached at 402-216-3327 Todd Allen BlandI I have 8 US patents 4 active Two are making millions.Call me.Don’t wait I have others very inerested.

  66. ur my boy blue!

  67. Dear Gentleman:
    I just wanted to add that your new shotgunnable beer can I invented will allow any person to sit in a plush surrounding and pull the bottom tab without any beer spraying on the furniture. Bars would thank you for that ,furthermore if the tab got hooked on a box of liquor while someone was wheeling in a stack of beer on a dolley and accidentally opened the side tab that beer spraying all over the interior cooler ,it would be a mess.
    Your company deserves the best.

    Sincerely,

    Todd Allen Bland -Inventor 4022163327

  68. i suck jasons dick and he pays me in dingleberries. then i use them to cook jasons favorite food, poupy soop. garnished with some of my longest pubes. what a delightful treat.

  69. Sounds real to me lol. You cold have made a more convincing article whoever wroet this. And coors light blows so i dont kniw why they woudl get it. Natty is the beer for college kids worldwidr

  70. When is Casper, WY going to get some of these type of cans?

  71. BITCHMAID!! use your damn teeth or atleast ur thumb… fucking shotgun tab.
    pussies.

  72. Coors Light to Release New Shotgunnable Can with Second Tab on Side…

    Golden, CO – The Coors Brewing Company announced today that they will soon begin offering Coors Light in a new “shotgunnable can” that will feature a second tab on its side to allow for easy shotgunning. Coors is aiming to rid binge drinkers of the ted…

  73. BEST.IDEA.EVER.

  74. [...] for keys every time you are challenged to a binge off? Lucky for you, Coors is introducing a new shotgunnable can, complete with a second tab on the side for easy shotgunning. To update those who are unaware of [...]

  75. I WAS JUST SITTING BACK TODAY TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO MAKE BEER MORE FUN FOR THE DRINKERS AND I THOUGHT OF THE EXTRA TAB ON THE SIDE OF THE CAN. THEN I GOOGLED IT AND COORS BEA TO THE PUNCH.

  76. Yo Todd Allen Bland – you say you have a patent on this? when did you invent it, shotgunning has been around for ages my friend.

  77. Do this site still work?

  78. Ughhhhh I was so bummed seeing this. I came up with this idea on my own and was going to go through the patent process. I was just starting research and found this! BOOOOOOOO to you Coors Light!

  79. [...] MillerCoors is focusing on making it easier for their consumers to consume their product [...]

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