Gunshot Wound Expected to Drastically Improve Plaxico Burress’ Pimp Limp
New York, NY – Doctors in the Plaxico Burress shooting case released their first bit of positive news today when they announced that the self-inflicted gunshot wound should drastically improve the embattled wide receiver’s pimp limp.
Apparently, the self-inflicted gunshot, which occurred when the receiver was at a New York City bar and accidentally discharged a handgun that had been concealed in the waistband of his pants, went through his quadriceps muscle in the perfect fashion needed to create a great pimp limp.
Dr. Josyann Abisaab, who treated Plaxico’s wound and has since been suspended by New York Presbyterian Hospital for failing to alert police to the incident said, “The way the bullet went through his thigh muscle will most likely impact the amount of weight he can put on his leg. This should drastically improve his pimp limp. And while I can definitely understand that the impact on his running speed, lost salary, and possible prison time are negatives in this whole ordeal, perhaps Plaxico can find solace in this fact.”
Burress will begin physical therapy immediately to help him integrate a shoulder dip on the same side, which is the second necessary element of a proper pimp limp.
Rapper Snoop Dogg agreed wholeheartedly with Dr. Abisaab’s findings saying, “There’s nothing worse than a weak pimp limp. If someone shows up where I’m at, and they’re rocking some weak-ass buster limp, me and my homies always end up giving the guy a serious beatdown. Plax should get down on his good knee and pray every day for this life changing event. Now, no matter where he goes, he’s gonna get mad respect. It’s an understatement to say that I’m jealous. Now, every time I’m holding a gun, I just look at my thigh and think, ‘I could have what Plax has’. But I haven’t been able to pull the trigger yet.”
Burress, who turned himself over to police after the incident, was arrested on charges of criminal possession of a handgun. He posted bail and is set to return to court on March 31, 2009 to enter a plea.
The New York Giants’ wide receiver has also been criticized for a series of lies in which he told the hospital who treated him that his name was Harris Smith, said that the incident occurred at an Applebee’s Restaurant, and took the gun with which he shot himself back to his home in New Jersey.
