New York Knicks Diagnosed with 6ft 2in, 205 lb Malignant Tumor
New York, NY – The New York Knicks received some troubling news from their team doctor today when tests revealed that they were carrying around a 6ft 2in, 205lb malignant tumor.
Dr. Lisa Callahan, the Knicks’ Director of Player Care, said that the tumor, a Starbury Carcinoma, has apparently been in place since January 6th, 2004, and has been slowly dragging the team down ever since.
While speaking at today’s press conference regarding the matter, Callahan also said, “A Starbury Carcinoma is an extremely rare form of cancer, and up to this point, has only ever been found in NBA teams. What makes this particular type of tumor so fascinating is that not only does it have its own blood supply, but it also has a large supply of cash flowing through it as well. In fact, team accountants figure that the tumor has been siphoning nearly twenty million dollars a year from the team, which is simply amazing.”
When pressed for treatment options of such a rare form of cancer, Callahan stated that it would be tricky, as it appears that the only possibility for successful removal would be to flood it even further with cash. “The only treatment that will elicit a response from a Starbury Carcinoma is money, and you have to throw a ton at it. Unfortunately, that’s been the only thing that has produced any sort of documented success.”
Knicks owner Donnie Walsh also reflected upon the news, saying that he wasn’t necessarily surprised by the diagnosis. “I think we’ve all known that something just wasn’t right with us for the past few years. We were lethargic, unhappy, and bleeding cash. However, I think we just weren’t sure what the illness was or how to treat it. We hoped that a new coach or new GM would do the trick, but each season the poor production and feeling of lethargy returned.”
The good news for the Knicks is that the cancer doesn’t appear to be life threatening. In fact, the Minnesota Timberwolves, New Jersey Nets, and Phoenix Suns have all had the same cancer, and all have survived.
Kevin McHale, the GM of the Minnesota Timberwolves, said he felt the Knicks’ pain. “The two and a half years we suffered from the disease were some of the longest years I can remember in this place. Believe me, that means a lot coming from the team that’s currently paying Brian Cardinal’s 6-year, $36.8 million contract.”
