The Larely Beagle – The Community Newspaper of Larely, California

Hollywood, CA – In a risky move that, if successful, could revolutionize the football movie genre, movie director Michael Bay’s new football movie will actually feature tackles that aren’t all back breaking.

The movie, titled “Long-Odds Snapper”, is set in the year 2001, and is about a mentally challenged and visually impaired long-snapper whose dream is to someday play in the XFL despite his many shortcomings. It is loosely based on the true story of a completely healthy long snapper who played D1 college ball, and after not being drafted, chose to play in the XFL.

Bay, whose previous credits include blockbusters like “The Rock”, “Bad Boys”, “Pearl Harbor” and “Transformers”, has a well established reputation as being a Hollywood innovator.   His goal is to harness that reputation in order to “shake things up” by choosing to focus on shoestring tackles, fundamentally sound wrap-ups, and players running out of bounds.

“It is my hope that the longstanding conception that all hits in football movies need to sound like a car accident and result in the de-cleating of a player will no longer exist.” Bay said. “Instead of the clothesline across the throat that causes the runner to do an entire somersault before landing on the ground unconscious, we will have solid, fundamental wrap-ups and hits that force a player out of bounds.  I know it’s risky, but I think the American people are ready for it.  Plus, everyone knows that it’s the ‘true to life’ action shots that have become my bread and butter over the years.”

The trend will be difficult to undo, as movies like “Varsity Blues”, “Friday Night Lights”, and “Invincible” have inundated movie viewers with bone crunching, back breaking hits on every off-tackle sweep and flea-flicker over the years.  As the hits have become more and more commonplace in movies, it has developed into the new status-quo accepted by viewers.

People are also hoping that the Bay’s change will benefit the Larely High School football team, as coach Memphis Pat Davids has derived his entire knowledge of the sport from watching football movies.  As a result, the team goes deep on every down, tries to tackle people solely by clotheslines and karate chops, and has no concept of what the “play clock” is.  They have also not won a game in over seven years.