Hell Freezes Over
Hell, Hell – Residents of Hell awoke this past Sunday morning to find that temperatures had plummeted and frost and ice had permeated the land. According to meteorologists, it was the first time in all of eternity that Hell had actually frozen over. In fact, the low temperature of 32º F (0º C) was the first time the temperature in Hell had ever dipped below 1000ºF (538 Cº).
The freeze wreaked havoc on Hell’s entire infrastructure, as it was entirely unequipped to handle such severe weather conditions. Schools and businesses were closed for the day as both school bus transportation and public transit were completely unable to function. Shipping also ground to a halt as the River Styx had a thin layer of ice that prevented ships and barges from delivering necessary supplies to factories.
The shutdown also led to mass riots and looting, which hadn’t been seen in Hell since the day before. There were also numerous motorists stranded on the Hell’s roads, and as worry spread about their freezing even further to death, Hell’s mayor Lou Siffer fitted Hell’s watchdog, Cerberus, with a brandy keg for each of its heads and sent him out along the roads to help people.
While the cause of the freeze was initially unknown, it was later verified to be caused when a SKU reader at a Best Buy store in Princeton, NJ rang up the first copy of the new Guns N’Roses album, “Chinese Democracy”. The album was released on Sunday after being in the works for nearly fifteen years.
However, at this point, it is still uncertain how an event like scanning a barcode could have such a large impact on Hell’s weather patterns. Dee Ablo, Hell’s chief meteorologist was having difficulty explaining the phenomenon saying, “It would seem like the two events are entirely separate and unrelated incidents that have no common thread that would allow them to influence one another. At this point it’s a mystery, but rest assured we will get to the bottom of it so that we can prevent it from ever happening again.”
Despite the freeze, the citizens of Hell remained as despondent and forlorn as they ever were.
yeah!!!! rock and roll!