The Larely Beagle – The Community Newspaper of Larely, California

Almhult, Sweden – In an agressive effort to earn a large share of the casting couch market, furniture giant Ikea announced today that it would begin selling a $79 casting couch on January 1, 2009.

The couch, which will be part of the newly created LUDEN series, seeks to appeal to the casting agent that has a classy life and classy office, but isn’t above trading sex for movie roles.

The couch will be available in a wide array of colors and will be made from durable, easy care pleather that will provide the necessary cushion for fornication and also be strong enough that it can be repeatedly washed with bleach without showing any signs of wear and tear.

Vinny Hammond, a casting director who has been in the business for almost twenty years couldn’t be more excited by Ikea’s decision. “When I first got into the business, I spent almost $6,000 on a suede leather couch. After about a week it had so many stains it looked like a hobo’s jacket. I tried everything to get the stains out, but nothing worked. I finally just donated the thing to the Boys and Girls club here in Larely so I could get the tax credit. I tell you, Ikea’s modern, classy look combined with the durability of the pleather will be the best thing to happen to this office since my secretary got her tongue pierced.”

Ikea founder Ingvar Kamprad was also excited about the move, “The entire world has a fascination with Hollywood, and the casting couch is a staple of Hollywood that has given many young actresses the break they needed to become stars. Not only do I hope our casting couch finds its way into offices all over Hollywood, but I hope it may play an integral role in the casting couch branching out into other industries as well. It’s a shame there are so many industries out there where the hiring of a woman is still determined solely by merit.”

Many up-and-coming actresses were also happy. Jen Torres, a nineteen year old aspiring model/actress/singer/dancer who recently moved to Los Angeles from Dublin, OH knows from experience that “Nothing is worse than going to a casting call and sitting down on a couch that is still warm and damp for the previous audition. Having a couch that’s both easy to sanitize and comfortable to lie on will be a good thing for me as well as this industry.”