Dustin Pedroia Receives 100 Bonus MVP Points for playing on East Coast
New York, NY – In an American League MVP race that was expected to come down to the wire, Boston Red Sox second baseman Dustin Pedroia ended up winning the award handily after he received 100 bonus points from baseball commissioner Bud Selig because he plays on the east coast.
Typically, the award is voted on solely by members of the Baseball Writers Association of America, but this year MLB commissioner Bud Selig decided to step in and award the extra points to Pedroia.
When asked by reporters why he chose to intervene, Selig said, “As commissioner of Major League Baseball, I feel that 95% of our talent plays on the east coast, and I thought the MVP balloting should reflect that.” He went on to add, “I’m glad I acted when I did because we almost had that piece of shit Justin Morneau steal another MVP trophy away from another future hall-of-famer here on the East Coast. That would have been a tragedy.”
The piece of shit Selig is referring to is Minnesota Twins first baseman Justin Morneau. He won the American League MVP by a slim margin over New York Yankee shortstop Derek Jeter in 2006. Morneau’s win sparked outrage throughout the east coast because, as one New York sports writer puts it, “Derek Jeter is Derek Jeter. How the fuck could some fucking canuck who plays in Minnesota get more votes than Derek Jeter? He’s hands down the best shortstop to ever play the game. Everyone knows that, and don’t go running back to your bullshit statistics that prove otherwise. It’s Derek fucking Jeter.”
The awarding of bonus points by Selig also angered many journalists who work in flyover country, and for some reason, feel like their baseball players match the talent and intestinal fortitude it takes to play on the east coast. They also cited a survey conducted in 2007 that revealed many MVP electors didn’t even realize baseball was played west of the Mississippi River.
Selig also announced at the press conference that he would be awarding the MVP for the 2009 season to David Wright. He was quoted as saying Wright deserved to win the award for next year because “he is the best young player in the game, possibly the best player of any age in the game, and also quite possibly the best player to ever play the game.”
Selig was also asked if there could ever be a circumstance in which he might do something similar for a baseball player who plays out west. He simply responded, “You mean, like, Cleveland?”
