The Larely Beagle – The Community Newspaper of Larely, California

Larely, CA – Peter Nate Herbert was acquitted in the assassination of former Larely mayor Rich Rundell today because jurors felt that his middle name was just “too lame” for him to have actually assassinated anyone.

The acquittal comes as somewhat of a surprise as Mayor Rundell was killed with a bullet fired from a gun registered to Herbert, had Herbert’s fingerprints all over it, and was also tucked in the waistband of Herbert’s pants as he fled the scene of the crime. There was also surveillance footage of a man looked strikingly similar to Herbert shooting Rundell four times in the chest.

The crime was committed nearly three and a half years ago and it occurred as Rundell was exiting Smokin’ Poles, a local gentlemen’s club where he had been conducting business meetings for the city of Larely for nearly two straight days.

In his closing argument, defense attorney Toddrick Powell said, “Lee Harvey Oswald, John Wilkes Booth, James Earl Ray, Mark David Chapman…those men were all killers. And what did all of them have in common? Their names all sounded bad ass. Obviously, Pete Nate Herbert doesn’t elicit anywhere near the same reaction. Because of this, it would have been impossible for my client to have committed this crime. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I remind you, if the name ain’t shit, you must acquit.”

The prosecution chose not to even make a closing argument, as they felt they had proven Herbert’s guilt well beyond a reasonable doubt. In addition to all of the gun evidence presented, the prosecution also established that:

- Herbert’s car was parked across the street from Smokin’ Poles
- A search of the car found an empty box of .357 shells, the same caliber as the gun that killed Rundell.
- The search also turned up eleven bottles of urine, whose DNA matched Herbert’s.

However, that assumption turned out to be wrong as the jury needed only eighteen minutes of deliberation before returning with a unanimous “Not guilty verdict”. Immediately after it was read, Mayor Rundell’s widow, along with several of his mistresses in attendance could be seen weeping.

Interviews with jurors after the trial showed that many of them agreed with Powell that Herbert simply didn’t have the middle name to be capable of the killing. Juror Nadine Raymond said, “When you think of a high profile killer, he’s got to have a fist, middle, and last name. It’s what makes him who he is. This joker on trial, he would have been the sorriest excuse for an assassin this world had ever seen.”