UC-Larely Professors Collaborate to Prove it’s Impossible for Softcore Porn Positions to Result in Penetration
Larely, CA – In an unprecedented showing of inter-departmental collaboration, professors from UC-Larely’s Geometry, Physics, and Biology Departments have recently completed a six month long study that proves it impossible for the sex positions found in softcore porn to result in actual penetration.
The team, which consisted of Hans Alfredsson (physics), Walter McGreavy (geometry), and Mary Sontenberg (biology), watched over 2,000 hours of tape from films like “The Sex Thief”, “Hollywood Hills Fantasies”, “SpiderBabe”, “Busty Cops”, “Lord of the G-Strings: The Femaleship of the String”, and “An Erotic Werewolf in London”. They analyzed the physics, geometry, and biology of the sex positions found in all the guy-on-girl scenes and after hours upon hours of tedious calculations, they were able to determine that the positions that supposedly resulted in penetration were, in fact, not possible.
They have compiled all of their findings into a 1,200 page report that they will present at almost every major scientific conference this year. While the full report is still unavailable, excerpts released show physics professor Alfredsson as writing, “Take ‘Lord of the G-Strings: The Femaleship of the String’ for example. In that movie there’s a scene where Misty Mundae is bouncing up and down on some guy’s belly button. Given the trajectory, angle, and length at which she is bouncing up and down, it would be physically impossible for a man’s penis to be inside her.”
Another excerpt from geometry professor Walter McGreavy was also released. It stated, “There was a scene in ‘Hollywood Hills Fantasies’ in which Cody Milo is allegedly being done from behind. However, the schlub that’s supposed to be banging her is lying entirely on top of her ass while thrusting away. Taking into consideration the angle at which he’s thrusting, and the position from which the thrusting begins, there is, again, simply no possible way he could have an erect penis inside of her.”
Biology professor Sontenberg’s findings discussed the normal biological responses to sexual pleasure. “You’ll notice, especially in ‘Busty Cops’ that right after Allysin Chaynes has supposedly had sex, she shows no evidence of clitoral tumescence. This would be almost impossible if she had indeed been penetrated for the last twelve minutes as the scene indicated.”
In addition to their findings, the group also wants to bring in a professor from UC-Larely’s Psychology Department, as they worry about those ramifications as well. Sontenberg noted, “Showing sex in this way makes young teenage males that think this is the correct way to have sex. I imagine that the emotional damage could be severe for the many kids that will try and fail to achieve penetration in these positions.”
