Key Grip Not Sure What He’s Supposed to be Doing
Hollywood, CA – Charlie Johnstone was hired to be the Key Grip on the new Paramount Pictures movie, “Transcendental Force”, starring Randy Quaid. However, after two full weeks of filming, he still has no idea what he’s supposed to be doing.
“I saw in an ad on craigslist that they needed a key grip for this new project. I noticed that the pay was pretty sweet, so I went home and forged a resume that said I had been a key grip on something like twelve different major studio movies. I sent it in, bullshitted my way through an interview, and found out a week later that I had the job.”
While Johnstone will be the first to admit that he probably should have used the month between his hiring and the start of production to learn a little bit more about the duties and responsibilities of a key grip, he doesn’t want to dwell on it. Simply saying, “I got busy, and before I knew it, it was time to head to the set.”
When filming began, he spent most of his first day wandering around aimlessly and occasionally eavesdropping on conversations between other staff members. “I figured I was going to get busted any minute, and I knew as soon as that happened they’d fire me and escort me off the studio grounds. But it never happened.” said Johnstone.
Since that first day, he’s been able to settle into a routine of flying under the radar that has allowed him to keep collecting a pay check. “Most days I roll in around 10:30 AM. I hit up the crafts service table, usually having a couple doughnuts and some chocolate milk. Then it’s time for my post meal cigarette, which usually turns into three cigarettes. I should also clarify that I smoke American Spirits, so each one takes a good ten minutes to finish. After that, I make sure that they are indeed filming something, then I sneak away to Randy Quaid’s trailer and take a shit in his bathroom. That usually takes at least thirty minutes and is followed by a post shit cigarette.” Johnstone stops briefly to chuckle, then picks right back up, saying, “then I eat a nice hearty lunch in the catering tent and follow that up with a sundae from the soft serve machine. Then it’s time for another post-meal cig. I then double check on the filming and head back to Quaid’s trailer to masturbate to one of the hundreds of porno DVD’s he has in there. That usually makes me pretty sleepy, so I go finish the day out with a nap in my lawn chair.”
Johnstone is hopeful he’ll be able to keep this up until shooting wraps six weeks from now. He’s also optimistic that they movie will be successful at the box office and he’ll be hired back when it comes time to film its sequel.
