Key Grip Not Sure What He’s Supposed to be Doing
Hollywood, CA – Charlie Johnstone was hired to be the Key Grip on the new Paramount Pictures movie, “Transcendental Force”, starring Randy Quaid. However, after two full weeks of filming, he still has no idea what he’s supposed to be doing.
“I saw in an ad on craigslist that they needed a key grip for this new project. I noticed that the pay was pretty sweet, so I went home and forged a resume that said I had been a key grip on something like twelve different major studio movies. I sent it in, bullshitted my way through an interview, and found out a week later that I had the job.”
While Johnstone will be the first to admit that he probably should have used the month between his hiring and the start of production to learn a little bit more about the duties and responsibilities of a key grip, he doesn’t want to dwell on it. Simply saying, “I got busy, and before I knew it, it was time to head to the set.”
When filming began, he spent most of his first day wandering around aimlessly and occasionally eavesdropping on conversations between other staff members. “I figured I was going to get busted any minute, and I knew as soon as that happened they’d fire me and escort me off the studio grounds. But it never happened.” said Johnstone.
Since that first day, he’s been able to settle into a routine of flying under the radar that has allowed him to keep collecting a pay check. “Most days I roll in around 10:30 AM. I hit up the crafts service table, usually having a couple doughnuts and some chocolate milk. Then it’s time for my post meal cigarette, which usually turns into three cigarettes. I should also clarify that I smoke American Spirits, so each one takes a good ten minutes to finish. After that, I make sure that they are indeed filming something, then I sneak away to Randy Quaid’s trailer and take a shit in his bathroom. That usually takes at least thirty minutes and is followed by a post shit cigarette.” Johnstone stops briefly to chuckle, then picks right back up, saying, “then I eat a nice hearty lunch in the catering tent and follow that up with a sundae from the soft serve machine. Then it’s time for another post-meal cig. I then double check on the filming and head back to Quaid’s trailer to masturbate to one of the hundreds of porno DVD’s he has in there. That usually makes me pretty sleepy, so I go finish the day out with a nap in my lawn chair.”
Johnstone is hopeful he’ll be able to keep this up until shooting wraps six weeks from now. He’s also optimistic that they movie will be successful at the box office and he’ll be hired back when it comes time to film its sequel.
dud your pretty much screwd , you cant walk in and wing it, unless everyone your working for is right out of college. and even then, stay away from LA , NY . Truthfully walk away from the production, tell them you have cancer in the brain . Mother on her Death bed , or wake up in the morning and just tell them the truth. they might let you stay on as a PA. if there brain dead . But let me tell you a secret my first movie was femme fatelle. back in 91 . Check it out was my very first show I think it was a Vidmark production. I got hired as a pa , pay was really shitty, hours long. So make a long story short I Lied just what you are doing now. My assperations were not any were close to yours. But in the real world, of the movie business out here inhollywood. Just as ballzy. Said I could take on the job as a simple grip. working under Dave Footman. after a girl grip had not been un able to show up the night after some very fine spirits . in which i had purchased for her. I think your following me now. Stay close it gets better . his best boy Was ellis james some kiwi . First and still the hardest working best boy i ever met till today. bastard work my ass off. still didnt gain any where near the abilities to even take own being a dolly grip best boy for several movies later. and there not even close to being a key grip. please in THE END when those credits start to follow, every one will know. and they will never call you again. sweat , exhaustion 110hr weeks, for ever. then and only then will you be close. PEOPLE SKILLS ARE A MUST. Not the gift of gabe which has put you in your perdicment. IS THE MONEY REALLY WORTH IT. if you say no your an idiot. if you say yes. You might be able to work for me some day. WORK HARDER THAN ANYONE. DO EVERYTHING. FIND SMARTER PEOPLE THAN YOU TO DO THE JOB. EVERY ONEis HUNGRY.your lucky i had a little time to spend on a fellow liar today. dont feel bad everyones done it. from spielberg on down. Hey if they can look themself in the mirror. what the hell give it a shot . YOU GOT BALLS DUDE . check me credits. then give me a call , will be happy to help you . email me at (redacted) Only after you’ve check me out. if you dont just run as fast as you can dont look back cause Ill make sure you never do a show again. Realize its not all about the money . ITS about the art of being all you can be. looking foward to hearing from you peace out. todd england nicodemus.