The Larely Beagle – The Community Newspaper of Larely, California

Larely, CA – People waiting at the intersection of Larely Parkway and Fourth Street SE today were treated to an unbelievable turn of events today when it was discovered that Ben Schmidt, a man who was biking while smoking a cigarette and wearing camouflage pants, was actually not on his way to a liquor store.

Almost everyone there at the time assumed that he was heading to Boxcar Liquors, which is located only eight blocks away on Larely Parkway and Tenth Street, and has a fairly large number of “bike up” customers.  However, as it turned out, he was biking over to Triplet Pines Mall to eat some lunch at Panda Express.

Cynthia Stevenson, who waiting at a stoplight at the time, was obviously shocked.  “Are you positive?  I mean, I saw him biking past at a speed slower than most people walk, and I just immediately thought, ‘You’re almost there, buddy’.  I even tried to guess what kind of beer he was going to buy.  I settled on Old Milwaukee.”

Chris Hawkins, who was on foot and crossing the same intersection also couldn’t believe his ears.  “As soon as I saw him out of the corner of my eye, I started feeling a little sad that he had a DUI and couldn’t just drive over to Boxcar Liquors.  But then I figured it was probably his fourth or fifth DUI, so it was well deserved.

Schmidt, who is 42 years old, says he rarely drinks, has never been charged with a DUI, and actually has a valid California drivers license.  “I just like to get out on a sunny day and exercise the legs, so I figured I’d ride the old bike over to Panda Express for a bite to eat.”  As for the cigarette, he just shrugs his shoulders and said, “It’s a bad habit, but I picked it up in the military and haven’t been able to quit it.”

Both Hawkins and Stevenson were asked if today’s incident would make them think twice next time they saw someone bicycling while smoking and wearing camouflage pants.  Both said it probably would not.  According to Hawkins, “You don’t just throw fifteen years of being correct out the window when one exception to the rule goes past.  It’d be like on Maury [Povich Show] where people relentlessly cling to the .000003 percent chance that they aren’t the father of someone’s baby.  I don’t want to be that guy.”