Chimp Locked in Room with Guitar for One Hour Teaches Self “Santa Monica”
Larely, CA – Researchers at the University of California-Larely’s Primate Research Laboratory are celebrating today after accidentally making their largest breakthrough to date in their research of intelligence in chimpanzees. The breakthrough occurred when Cuddles, a twenty-two year old bonobo chimp, became locked in a room with a guitar, and was able to successfully teach himself how to play the Everclear song, “Santa Monica”.
The laboratory staff are still trying to piece together exactly how the events unfolded, but they appear to have started when night custodian, Jamie Frank, forgot to lock the door to Cuddles’ cage. Cuddles walked out of his cage and found his way into the facility’s break room where somehow the door closed and locked behind him. Security cameras show that once in the break room, Cuddles walked over to a table where Frank had left his Epiphone Hummingbird acoustic guitar sitting out and picked it up. He began chewing on its headstock, perhaps to sharpen it into a hunting tool, but he stopped after he was startled by the sound coming off one of the strings he had inadvertently plucked. After plucking a few more strings, he eventually figured out that pressing the strings against the neck of the guitar would change their pitch.
About 40 minutes after this happened, another staff member noticed Cuddles wasn’t in his cage and that the door to the break room was locked. Desperate to unlock the door, she began searching for Mr. Frank. About ten minutes later, she found him in the computer lab scanning the casual encounters section of craigslist. Frank grabbed his keys, ran down to the break room, and unlocked the door. Frank’s account of what happened next will undoubtedly be published in every scholarly journal related to primates.
“As soon as I opened the door I saw Cuddles strumming away, and a second later I realized I recognized the song. Sure enough, that sum’bitch was playing Santa Monica. I stood in shock for a split second as he transitioned seamlessly into the chorus, then I just started wishing that I brought my electric guitar that day, because that little guy was rocking it. I immediately started drumming along on one of the tables and we were almost to the fade-out when another staffer hit him with the tranq dart.”
Doctors at the laboratory will present more of their findings on this matter at this year’s national conference on the research of primate intelligence.
